View from 602 - Unabridged Version

My first view of 602 was very different from the room at University Hospital. It was last week when we first stepped in to Allegiance Hospital, Room 602. It was late morning, and yet dark in the room. I put on a gown, mask and gloves and could hear the noises of the medical equipment just beyond the curtain that separated the germs from Joel. 

In January, at U of M Hospital, I visited Joel with much hope of a bright future for him. Not because it would be easy to live with half a tongue, or go through chemo treatments, but because he was young, otherwise healthy, and a fighter. He also had a passion to talk about Jesus, even though it took phenomenal effort. Plus, it was hard to believe that God would take another brother, son, husband and father, so, I chose to hope and trust in Joel’s healing. I chose to fight the dread that told me we were in for a journey we had done too many times before.

Well, God did use Joel and his passion for sharing Christ, it was just a lot less time than we hoped for. Joel spoke far earlier than the doctor’s expected, and even though he was hard to understand, he kept talking anyway. We laughed at him because he wouldn’t be quiet. He was witnessing to the hospital staff while we visited him. My view said that his work here wasn’t done, but, God had other plans. I knew for sure, when entering Room 602 , that Joel’s journey was ending and my beginning view changed.

Here are pieces of my view from 602 the last few days of Joel’s life:

Joel breathing with effort.

My sister-n-law administering drugs through Joel’s feeding tube, then suctioning his traech.

Joel’s daughters hovering about him, anxious to be his caretakers.

Joel’s chest heaving.

Joel telling me he loved me, even though talking was so hard and he couldn’t always be understood.

A brilliant blue colored balloon, lightly bouncing in the corner.

Joel pointing to Mark, trying to get something said.

Joel trying to write something down.

Trying to decipher Joel’s writing, which was actually scribbles from being so weak.

The respiratory therapist giving Joel a breathing treatment.

My big brother Tim walking in the corridor at 2am with his bags, just arriving on a flight from Tn.  My relief at seeing him. .

Gowns, gloves, masks everywhere. Taken on and off, on and off as visitors come in and out of the room.

The IV pump blinking and beeping.

Tim making me feel better the moment he came in with his comforting, caring words to Joel. He has a way of brightening even the hardest circumstances.

 Joel’s brightened eyes at seeing him.

Joel’s legs moving restlessly.

Joel asking for mom and dad.

Long time friends walking into the hospital with mom and dad, after driving down to Illinois to get them. (The same friends who did this for them when Mark died.)

Wishing we weren’t seeing views we never cared to see again.

Mom bending over Joel, wiping her tears under her glasses, rubbing his arm, straightening his sheet, kleenex in hand.

Dad standing at the end of the bed, patting Joel’s foot.

Joel reaching his head over, with more effort than he had moved anything recently, so mom could see he wanted to kiss her. Pain didn’t deter him.

Joel putting his hands together to indicate he wanted dad to pray when he saw him.

Dad always being our spiritual leader. Dad praying with clarity and confidence, unlike the way he interacted with other things due to his lack of hearing and lack of stamina.

Holding Joel’s hand and feeling him squeeze mine.

Tim, Mom and I each asking Joel to tell Mark, Steve, Philip and Jonathan that we loved them and missed them, when he got to heaven, without realizing each other did so until later.

Joel reaching for Wendy and grasping her forearm. Needing her.

The way Joel’s head would go back a little and his eyebrows would rise when we finally understood what he was trying to tell us.

Joel returning his daughter’s  ‘I love you’ hand sign from across the room.

Joel’s mouth opening as wide as he could get it and his chest heaving so he could get as much breath as possible.

Joel motioning. His daughter finding the ‘nurse call’ button for him. He wanted it close, just in case.

Joel’s furrowed brow, rarely easing.

His daughter putting a cool cloth on his head.

Joel with a shower cap on that actually shampooed his hair.

Joel saluting the policeman friend of his when he entered the room, and then putting his wrists together as if being handcuffed.

Jan rubbing Joel’s beard and speaking to him in her big sister voice when she first got there to see him.

Joel pointing at me when he was hoping I would be the one to understand what he was saying. Me knowing what he tried to say, maybe because a sister gets a brother ,  - -  “Where’s Wendy?”  “She’s the only one who can help me”  - -  Joel feeling anxiety that he would need something and no one else would be able to understand. Us understanding that panic,  since choking,  low oxygen and a partial tongue was what he was up against. Us feeling pain from the look of distress on his face.

Joel needing propped up in bed so he could breathe better. Joel soon slouching uncomfortably, with no strength to change positions.

Wendy knowing and sensing Joel’s needs before his indication most of the time. Me being amazed by her.

Wendy rubbing Joel’s feet, legs, hands, rarely leaving his side.

Dad reciting the 23^rd Psalm while standing by Joel, then  all of us joining him.

Keeping track of Joel’s medicine schedule as he kept needing more and more pain meds and breathing treatments. Wendy advocating for Joel’s needs.

My kids each coming and telling their Uncle Joel they loved him and kissing him.

Josh, Allyson, Alan, Nate and Zach trying to comfort their cousins.

Jan’s and Debbie’s tears.

Josh putting his arm around me.  Me not knowing how much I needed it until he was there.

Josh standing alone, looking at Joel, undoubtedly remembering when it was his dad that was dying.

Joel’s pastor reading Psalm 91.

Taking turns washing up in the hospital bathroom.

Sitting in the quiet hallway, talking at midnight with a friend of Joel’s. 

Looking around Joel’s room in the middle of Friday night and seeing Jan dozing in the chair, Wendy’s head resting on Joel’s bed, Tim sitting at the end of the bed, myself sitting with my head against the wall….all watching over Joel, ready to help with whatever he needed.

Me saying, “This hospital stinks”. Jan saying, “It’s probably us”. Oh yeah.

Mark reading his Bible for Joel.

My husband telling my brother he loved him, grasping his hand, saying his goodbye before he went to work in case he didn’t make it back in time.

Allyson and dad holding hands while they took a walk around the hospital.

The way Joel folded his hands in front of him that looked just like dad – and Joel’s girls or Tim (can’t remember which) had to take a picture of it.

The way Joel’s hands and mannerisms were so much like Mark’s and Steve’s.

The memories of past experiences, so similar to this one, that none of us could keep from returning.

Me kneeling at Joel’s side, using the chair and holding Joel’s hand while praying. Me praying up close, for him alone to hear. Me telling him I will always be at his wife’s and kids’ sides. Did he know how much I appreciated his big brother protection when I was younger?

Joel’s very gorgeous eyes (so all the girls say) looking so intently at me, (maybe questioning me?), when I couldn’t stop the tears from running down my cheeks.

Wendy speaking close to Joel’s ear, ‘ He will keep you in perfect peace, Joel, whose mind is stayed on Him.’

Wendy’s dad rubbing her back, comforting his daughter.

The crazy man who was threatening the nurse loudly in the hall, 2 nights in a row, and telling his imaginary friend to shoot open the door to his hospital room so they can get out.

A nurse running down the hall yelling for security.

Talking and laughing in the hall. Then thinking Tim set off an alarm with all the buttons behind him, but thankfully, it wasn’t us - it was the crazy man trying to escape from the emergency exit.

Our kids making a late night run up to the hospital, bringing us pop. (And, a cooler and a bag of ice that started dripping down the hallway, which we quickly cleaned up! The kids going above and beyond what we asked)

Joel’s fever rising. Jan, Wendy and me trying to keep Joel cool. Jan’s familiarity and experience obvious in the way she worked and talked.

Nurses showing up with hospitality carts for our family. Thankful for refreshment. Me not eating anything sweet because I could feel how low my blood sugar level was. Hardly eating anything due to nerves and being over-tired. Wendy not being able to try anything.

Wendy whispering to me, ‘it wasn’t supposed to be like this’ .

 Joel’s son spending alone time with his dad.

Tim’s strained voice that so obviously showed his love for his brother who was hurting.  Joel turning to Tim, looking with worry, questioning. Tim saying, “It’s ok, buddy. I’ll be fine”

Nurses asking family and friends in the hall to use the waiting room a couple of times, because they couldn’t stay away and kept congregating outside Joel’s door.  Oops!

Family talking, remembering, hugging in the waiting room, with computers, phones, blankets, Kleenex and food about.

Bruce, our newly adopted brother-n-law/son-n-law, bringing everyone pizza. Then, Fazoli’s. Helping reserve hotel accommodations. Sitting with us.

Deb making sure there was soft Kleenex, because our skin needed the relief!

Jan and mom on the  phone, keeping updated on the traveler’s on their way, and updating other out of town family.

Josh and Allyson being the way they always are together – keeping us laughing.

Hilary bringing my kids to Jackson 2x.

Deb sharing her devotional that day with Wendy.  Loving Wendy with true empathy. Me wondering if she was thinking of all her time by Mark’s side not that long ago.

Holding my phone up to Joel’s ear as it was playing ‘Mountain of God’, the song he and Wendy danced to on the radio when he was excited about having a strong day.

The nurses telling our family how they loved our closeness, and how our family was unique and blessed.

Us appreciating the nurses (Except the one who was rough and caused unnecessary pain to Joel.)

Conferring in the hall. Trying to support Wendy the best we could.

Helping Wendy decide that there should be no more treatment, because of the doctor’s advice.

The new purple bracelet added to Joel’s arm with just the letters, DNR.

Joel’s daughter asking what ‘DNR’ meant.

Joel’s wife and kids (Wendy, Jonathan, Courtney, Carrissa, Cosondra) spending precious moments with Joel – just their family together for the last time.

Wendy saying, “…he was fighting to live. He fought so hard”  Her heart wrenching pain from feeling like she was giving up. Afraid to not fight with every medicine possible til the very end.

A morphine drip being used to finally bring Joel some rest. The relief at his peace. His girls suddenly realizing that he would never look at them again. Never talk to them again.  Pain.

After lying down in the early morning hours Sunday morning, each of us still sitting up to listen for Joel’s breathing off and on. Wendy being the one who woke at just the right time. Wendy being the one who heard his last breath.

Wendy feeling Joel’s chest. Jan feeling Joel, and getting the nurse. Me shaking slightly, holding my blanket tight. Nervous. Fearful. Knowing.

The nurse checking Joel all over for signs of life.

Me, Tim, Jan and Wendy surrounding Joel’s bed as we realized he was not taking another breath.

The nurse hugging Wendy.

Wendy leaving to go to the house to tell her kids that their dad was gone.

Me not wanting to call mom. Mom expecting the news. Her tight voice and amazing strength.

Walking with dad toward Joel’s room one more time. Dad bent over, walking with no balance. His back and legs acting up again. Holding on to dad. Dad patting my arm, saying he thought he was doing ok, but that was no reason to let go.

Dad tearful and prayerful when he said good bye to Joel. Dad sitting quietly next to Joel. Talking to God, I think. Staying there while others came in, as if keeping watch. Allyson sitting down by him, holding his hand. Me loving that she knows how he loves that and was offering her comfort.

Watching mom look at Joel and touch his body. Me wondering how a mother can take looking at a son she nurtured and raised, dead. Remembering she has had to several times. Hurting for her. Me in awe of her beautiful attitude.

Mom telling Joel that she was so glad for him that he was with his brothers. Mom reminding us of the reunion we will all have one day.

After saying goodbye, mom walking out the door, hand lifted, saying ‘Til we meet again, Joel’.

Courtney laying on Joel’s chest, sobbing.

Carrissa sitting down, looking at Joel, tears streaming down her cheeks, crying hard.

Cosondra letting her tears out, touching Joel’s head, saying ‘Goodbye, daddy’. That sight making me hurt.

Allyson fighting back tears every time her cousins were overcome with grief. Many hugs between them all.

My boys putting their arms around their cousins.

Allyson remembering aloud how Uncle Joel had brought us loads of groceries last time he was over and threatened to hurt the boy who was taking her out, if she needed him to.

Jan walking Wendy through these moments like only one can who has been through it before.

Me having a private moment with Joel, feeling lonely for my brother’s presence already. Sobbing just a little bit, keeping some control, scared to lose control.  Realizing we were facing another Thanksgiving with one more loved one missing.

Holding his cool fingers and being grateful he was finally resting with Jesus.

Holding his cool fingers and wishing he would squeeze mine back.

Kissing his cheek. Not because he felt it this time, but because I wanted to.

Turning to look at him 3x on my way to the door, because I didn’t feel ready to never see him again.

Leaving Room 602 with a peace and strength that only came from God. Leaving with the knowledge that Joel is ok and didn’t need me anymore. I might need my big brother, who stuck up for me, cared about me and loved me, but,  even though Joel hadn’t wanted to leave, he would remind me that I still have Tim. Joel would also say that I should trust God to take care of any void he’s leaving behind , because He can do it. He has done it. He still is doing it.

My View from Room 602

My first view of 602 was very different from the room at University Hospital.  In January, at U of M , I visited Joel with much hope of a bright future for him. Not because it would be easy to live with half a tongue, or go through chemo treatments, but because he was young and otherwise healthy and had a passion to keep talking about Jesus, even though it took phenomenal effort. Plus, it was hard to believe that God would take another brother, so I chose to hope in Joel’s healing. God did use Joel and his passion for sharing Christ, it was just a lot less time than we hoped for. I knew going in to room 602  the other day that Joel’s journey was ending and my view was different. I tried to align my view with God's view, although heartache was what was mostly in my vision. There were precious moments, too, in that room.
Here are pieces of my view from 602, the last few days of Joel’s life:

Joel breathing with effort.
Wendy, my sister-n-law hugging me tight and sobbing when she first saw us arrive.
My sister-n-law administering drugs through Joel’s feeding tube.
Joel’s daughters hovering about him, anxious to be his caretakers.
The nurse asking if anyone needs anything.
Joel’s chest heaving.
Joel telling me he loved me.
Joel returning  his daughter's  ‘I love you’ hand sign from across the room, while someone was reading scripture.
A brilliant blue colored balloon, lightly bouncing in the corner.
Joel pointing to Mark, trying to tell him something.
Joel trying to write something down.
Trying to decipher Joel’s scribbling, due to his weakness. Or, was it the cancer? The letters did not make words.
The respiratory therapist giving Joel a breathing treatment.
My big brother Tim walking in the corridor at 2am with his bags, just arriving on a flight from Tn.
Gowns, gloves, masks everywhere. Taken on and off, on and off, as visitors come in and out of the room.
The IV pump blinking and beeping.
Tim making everyone feel better the moment he came in. Joel’s pleasure at seeing him.
Joel’s legs moving restlessly.
Joel asking for mom and dad.
Long time friends walking into the hospital with mom and dad, after driving down to Illinois to get them. (The same friends who did this for them when my brother Mark died)
Mom bending over Joel with tears in her eyes.
Dad standing at the end of the bed, patting Joel’s foot.
Joel reaching his head over so very far so mom could see he wanted to kiss her, even though it was painful.
Joel putting his hands together to indicate he wanted dad to pray when he saw dad at his side.
Holding Joel’s hand and feeling him squeeze mine.
Tim, Mom and I asking Joel to tell Mark, Steve, Philip and Jonathan that we loved them and missed them when he got to heaven, without realizing each other did so til later.
Joel reaching for Wendy and grasping her hand.
The way Joel’s head would go back a little and his eyebrows would rise when we finally understood what he was trying to tell us.
Joel’s mouth opening as wide as he could get it and his chest heaving so he could get as much breath as possible.
His daughter finding the ‘call’ button for Joel, after we finally understood he was asking for it.
His other daughter giving him a cool cloth for his head.
Tim and Mark trying to sleep in the waiting room, cold and uncomfortable.
Joel with a shower cap on that actually shampooed his hair.
Joel saluting the policeman friend of his when he entered the room, and then putting his wrists together as if being handcuffed.
Dad and Allyson walking and holding hands through the hospital, giving dad's back some relief.
Jan rubbing Joel’s beard and speaking to him when she first got there to see him.
Joel pointing at me when he wanted me to interpret what he was trying to say to someone, because I could usually understand him. Sometimes siblings just know how each other thinks.
Wendy rubbing Joel’s feet, legs, hands.
Dad reciting the 23rd Psalm, with all of us adding our voices, while all gathered around in Joel's room.
Keeping track of Joel’s medicine schedule as he kept needing more and more pain meds and breathing treatments.
Wendy advocating for Joel’s needs.
My children coming and telling their Uncle Joel they loved him and kissing him.
Joel’s pastor reading Psalm 91.
Looking around Joel’s room in the middle of the night and seeing Jan dozing in the chair, Wendy’s head resting on Joel’s bed, Tim sitting at the end of the bed, myself sitting with my head against the wall….all watching over Joel, ready to help with whatever he needed.
Sitting in the hall talking with a friend of Joel’s late in to the night. A new friend made.
Taking turns washing up in the hospital bathroom.
Mark reading his bible for Joel.
Me praying over Joel.
Wendy reminding Joel, ‘ He will keep you in perfect peace, Joel, whose mind is stayed on Him.’
Wendy’s dad rubbing her back, comforting his daughter.
The crazy man who was threatening the nurse loudly in the hall, 2 nights in a row, and telling his imaginary friend to shoot open the door to his hospital room so they can get out.
A nurse running down the hall yelling for security.
A bunch of us talking and laughing in the hall late at night. Then thinking Tim set off an alarm and laughing harder, but thankfully, it wasn’t us - it was the crazy man trying to escape from the emergency exit.
Our kids making a late night run up to us bringing us pop (and a cooler and a bag of ice that started dripping down the hallway, which we quickly cleaned up!)
Nurses bringing our family hospitality carts.
Joel’s son spending alone time with his dad. Jonathan leaving the room with a new set of responsibilities Joel had entrusted to him.
Nurses asking family and friends in the hall to use the waiting room a couple of times, because everyone couldn’t stay away and kept congregating outside Joel’s door to be close.  Oops!
Family talking, remembering, hugging in the waiting room, with computers, phones, blankets, Kleenex and food about.
Bruce, our newly adopted brother-n-law/son-n-law, bringing everyone pizza.
Deb making sure there was soft Kleenex, because our skin needed the relief!
Josh and Allyson being the way they always are – keeping us laughing.
Hilary bringing my kids to Jackson 2x.
Helping Wendy decide that there should be no more treatment, because of the doctor’s advice.
The nurses telling our family how they had grown to love us and how our family was unique and blessed.
The new purple bracelet added to Joel’s arm with just the letters, DNR.
After laying down in the early morning hours, each of us still sitting up to listen for Joel’s breathing. Wendy being the one who heard his last breath.
Wendy feeling Joel’s chest. The nurse checking Joel all over for signs of life.
Me, Tim, Jan and Wendy surrounding Joel’s bed as we realized he was not taking another breath.
The way the nurses took care of Joel and his room for the family to say goodbye and telling us we could have most of the day to make sure everyone could get there for their good-byes, even though the whole floor was full and they really needed the room. They knew it would be the very last viewing of Joel our family could have.
Dad's tears and his praying when he said good bye to Joel.
Mom telling Joel that she was so glad for him that he was with his brothers.
After saying goodbye, mom walking out the door, with hand up in a wave, saying ‘Til we meet again, Joel’.
Wendy's parents keeping watch over Joel while everyone took turns going in to say good bye to his body.
Joel’s 3 girls crying and saying, ‘Goodbye, daddy’.
Holding his cool fingers and being grateful he was finally resting with Jesus.
Holding his cool fingers and wishing he would squeeze mine back.
Kissing his cheek. Not because he felt it this time, but because I wanted to.
Turning to look at him 3x on my way out of the door, because I didn’t feel ready to never see him again.
Leaving Room 602 with a peace and strength that only comes from God. Leaving with the knowledge that Joel is ok and didn’t need me anymore. I might need my big brother, but Joel would want me to trust Jesus for those needs now.

Friday Night Light (a light reflection at the end of the day :)

I remember thinking my brothers' antics were the funniest thing. Between the 5 of them, there was entertainment everyday. One Sunday dinner, for instance, Tim asked someone to pass him the bread. On the opposite end of the table, Steve picked up a piece of bread and passed it to him - like a frisbee.
I laughed, in part, because Steve did it so casually, as if it were completely normal to send food through the air, and partly because Tim caught the 'pass' without missing a beat & proceeded to eat it. 
There is no way I could have got by with that, but the boys were older (at least out of high school) and didn't really get in 'trouble' anymore, so all my mom said was, "I raised you to have better manners than that!", or something to that affect.   I remember Steve's grin at my mom's exasperated sigh. Those unplanned antics are the memories that have been coming back to me a lot lately........

When I was young, I told my mom often that I wanted a bunch of boys, just like she had. What could be more fun? (My life long plan was to have at least 4 boys and twin girls - God had other plans, though. Funny how I thought I would have so much more control of my life :).
When I would tell my mom about the houseful of boys I was going to have, she would smile, but it wasn't quite as enthusiastic as you would expect. Probably because it was usually when I was laughing at the boys when she thought they were being impolite. She would fondly reply, "Oh yes, it's fun!", but she would also shake her head a little, with a sigh and look I didn't recognize yet, and say something about being so busy with 'all those naughty little boys', or how she didn't understand how they didn't remember what they were taught.  I now recognize that look!

I am as thrilled as can be to have 3 boys (and it's close to my plan of 4!), plus a bunch of 'adopted' boys, but,  boys are exhausting! Do mothers of girls say the same thing? My daughter is very easy to work with, but maybe that's because she is not in a pack that has the majority of the house...

Being a mom has changed me and I no longer see actions, like tossing bread, nearly as fun as I used to! Now, it's my sons!  I am the one who's responsible for training them. When they were younger, I could smile at things like that, because they still had time for all of the things I taught them to show through. But, now they are teens, and time is running out! If they haven't learned from me by now, I don't know what it will take!
I have to say, I tend to feel more concern than enjoyment when my teen boys can't make a simple car ride to church without doing some sort of bodily harm to each other!
Or, make it through a church service without creating some type of torture,  making it so that the one being afflicted has to deal with the pain without reacting.
My boys think being loud is a must, and licking ketchup off their plates should be normal.
The more sarcastic they can be with each other and friends, is better, they believe, even when it's hardly sarcasm anymore, but just downright mean.
They find it necessary to run through the house and they wrestle no matter if the one they are picking on is already occupied by doing dishes or homework. 
They put food in the microwave with no plate or napkin, even though they always have the job of cleaning the microwave as a consequence.
Scaring me and telling inappropriate jokes never get old to them.
They jump to hit every ceiling and doorway in the house, and if it smudges, they don't see a problem. It just proves to their other brothers that they could reach it.
They are too tough for warm clothes.
They think they know more than me.
They tell me I worry too much about the little things, like, showers, brushing teeth and cleaning. How could anyone worry too much about that?

That list could be longer - it is by no means extensive! Where did all my teaching, training, and praying go???!!  I honestly taught them manners, kindness, cleanliness, and respect. I promise!   *big sigh*

I'm so glad I got to see my mom wonder if her boys would ever remember all they were taught, now that I am on the other side of it.  When I remember that, it helps me to enjoy my boys being boys with a little less mother concern, because it turns out my mom didn't need to worry - her boys had learned from her training, listened to her words of wisdom and proved that they were responsible men with manners when it became necessary.
If my boys turn out like their uncles, they will be just fine :)   I guess it just means that they are not going to show it a minute before they have to.  :)

Seeing Joel....

Joel and I - Thanksgiving 2010

Walking into Joel’s hospital room was another reminder of how much I really dislike hospitals (except for the maternity wards, that is). It was dark in there, and a curtain was pulled to help keep germs out. We had to put on a gown, gloves and mask before we entered all the way.  The sounds of his machines were the only noises in there and all I could think of was how awful an environment that must be for him and Wendy to live in for days on end. When I am at work in my beautiful environment, or working around my house and spending time with my family, Joel and Wendy are sitting up in that room, waiting for healing.

I was surprised to see that Joel had a full beard! He has worn a goatee occasionally, but never a beard. The chemo had actually  made it so that he grew a beard easily. It was nice – he looks good in it. All the swelling was finally gone from his face and neck, also, which had been there since January. I breathed a sigh of relief because he looked a little healthier than I anticipated.

 Joel’s health has gone markedly downhill, even in the last week. He no longer has the strength to walk on his own, and is weak and exhausted from simple procedures. His shoulders and spine have a lot of pain from the cancer, so the medical personnel adjusting his position in bed, or to hear his lungs, etc. is very painful for him. His chest x-ray shows that his pneumonia is improving, but his white blood cell count is still not going down.  There hasn’t been a determination on what is causing his heart rate to beat so rapidly, so he is on heart medication, which is at least controlling it. The only possibility for chemo is when he is strong enough after the pneumonia is gone, and it can only be through clinical trials. If he cannot walk through the doors, they will not even do those. He gets very hot and claustrophobic in his small room, but if the fan is on him for too long, his traech dries out easily.

Joel has beautiful eyes with super long eyelashes and they were very expressive as usual, which helped with communicating with him.  He motioned with his hands and moved his feet a little, too. Other than that, his only move was to reach up for Mark’s hand, but then the look on his face from the torment it caused his shoulder made me want to cry. You could tell he didn't expect it and he looked like a little boy when the pain hit him.  He was looking up at Mark and the surprise, anguish, and vulnerability in that look was one of the most heartbreaking things I've ever seen. I can't even describe it adquately. Mark quickly helped Joel get his arm down to give him relief and let go of his hand.  Joel tried to recover his expression fast, but you could tell it was hard. That look is haunting me.

It was great to just hold Joel’s hand, he kept rubbing my fingers. When we were visiting in his room, he did try to talk a little. He’s actually harder to understand and does less talking now than after his surgery on his tongue. Wendy said that he barely talks anymore, so she was glad to see his efforts today.  He only said a couple of short things, though, like ‘I love you’ .  He kept falling asleep – he just couldn’t stay awake. He is on morphine, so that is probably a part of it, but Wendy says it is happening more so than had been previously. While we were there, a Home Care lady came in and let him and Wendy know that they would be delivering a hospital bed and a walker with a seat on it, to his house tomorrow, since that is when they are looking at discharge. He will have a visiting nurse still, plus, Wendy will still be devoting all her time for care for him, and they hope to have a therapist in for physical therapy before long. I cannot imagine how he can endure most exercises, but they will be careful with him, I'm sure.

When we left, I had to blow him a kiss because of the masks. He gave Mark and me each the 'I love you' hand sign.

Our family is all gathering up here for Thanksgiving, so everyone can be close to Joel. I hope and pray it can be a time where he can enjoy everyone, even if it is for moments at a time, like with us today. It means so much to him to have family close.  It means so much to our family to be together.

Joel needs prayer for strength and healing.  His family needs strength and comfort. Wendy will be talking with the kids tonight to make sure they are aware of what all this means. She wants to make sure they are aware of the possibilities, just in case. How do you have that kind of talk with your kids? I know God will give her grace and strength, but my heart hurts for her. I ache for my nieces and nephew. It breaks for Joel and how he is suffering, as well as his worry over his family. He has asked his son to take care of Wendy and the girls, in the event that he is no longer here. My nephew has already done a stand up job of getting the girls to school, taking care of  various needs they or the house has, and running Joel's trash business. He has put his Master's education on hold to take care of the family.The girls make Wendy a sack lunch daily, the kids bring it to the hospital in the morning, then come see Joel and Wendy after school, and then go home to take care of homework, supper and needs, there. I am so proud of all of them.

These heart wrenching times really show the beauty in Joel’s family. Joel’s strength of will to live and to get better, as well as to keep witnessing for Christ, are some examples. The way his kids have handled this whole year of changes, is another. And, the way his wife serves him with unwavering love, patience and strength, is yet another. She doesn’t think she is strong, but she is amazing. Christ shows through her, that is for certain. Wendy's mom died of cancer, when she and Joel had been married for just 3 weeks, so for Joel to have cancer, too, brings back hard memories.   

I'm glad God has them in HIS hands. He can do what we cannot, and that brings a lot of comfort to our family, who would love to wipe out all of their problems and suffering, if we only could.

Answering the Phone is Bad for You

I've determined that answering the phone is bad for you.
Okay, so, maybe it isn't bad for everyone, but it is for me.   My phone ringing can actually cause me anxiety. Not always, but often enough.

I hate hearing words I don't want to hear so much that I think I've actually decided, subconsciously, that I could avoid all kinds of things if I didn't answer my phone! I usually do answer my phone, of course, because that's the necessary thing to do - but I don't want to much of the time. If you know me well, you know I almost never check my voicemail. I hate it. I am realizing today, though, that there's probably an actual reason behind that. I've vaguely wondered why I avoided messages or felt nervous by calls, but I haven't given it much thought. I get many more normal phone calls than not, so I guess I haven't given the phone calls I hate the credit they deserve. It must be like negative comments - one negative carries as much power as 10 positive.

Today, when my phone rang and my heart started pounding, I fully realized the connection between messages/phone calls and my aversion. Calls have too often been life changing, unwelcome messages.
I'm going to have to work on my anxiety, but, seriously, can you blame me for wanting to ignore things that have brought such bad news, too many times? And, sure enough, today's phone call wasn't great. The ambulance had to come pick up Joel because of some problems with his heart, which at this point we believe was caused by some medicine. I'll find out more from Wendy later.

Today's call made me think of another Sunday afternoon when we received a call informing us that our very incredible, precious nephew had been in an accident and killed. His brother was in the same accident and hurt very badly. I will never forget the heartbreak in my sister-n-laws voice, or how a normal day turned horrific so fast. And there have been other calls, as well.

So, yep, I guess it makes sense that I'm phone-shy. I just find it so interesting that there are things that go on within us that we don't always recognize. I don't think I will ever cease to be amazed at the connection between mind and body. It is incredible how intricately God made us.
It's good that I am becoming aware of what affects me, and it will give me a chance to get over that hurdle. But, with Joel being sick right now, it's going to be harder. I would much prefer to take this aversion of    phone calls as far as I can -- no news is good news, I always say!  :).   Unfortunately, hiding isn't the answer to things I fear, even though it sounds tempting, so I can't give into the desire for denial. :/

I could take this time to remind everyone that if they called me more often, I wouldn't worry when their name shows up on my screen, but I won't. :)     The other day, I actually had my knees almost buckle when I was carrying my lunch plate at work, because my niece, who hasn't called me for so long, was ringing in! It's not that I've called her either( I've been bad about that), but I felt such huge relief when she just wanted to ask me about homeschooling, haha! :)  
I really, really do hope that we get some exciting phone calls in the future of healing and blessings ---   so maybe everytime I feel anxious I should just take that time to pray for Joel's healing and my dad's health.

When I find out more about what happened with Joel today, I will pass it on. And, for those of us that receive phone calls, whom I know have the same apprehension, don't fear!   God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind. II Tim. 2:7


                 Rachel


P.S. Text messages don't cause the same anxiety. Weird.

Prayer Warriors - Defining Moment Series

The Defining Moments blogs are about the true definition of our family. The modern day Job events may define to a point, but that's not all there is!

I can't remember how many times I've wanted or needed my dad for some reason when I was growing up, & I would find him on his knees in prayer in his bedroom or office at the church. Sometimes he would be at the altar or pew in the auditorium, or kneeling against his favorite chair in our living room. (He never turned me away if I needed him, he would just patiently welcome me, & then continue praying after he helped me. :)
Taking time to pray was a very specific act of my dad & mom both. They prayed at my bedside when I was sick, or when my dog was killed, or my brothers left for college,  among countless other times. Placing their loved ones into God's hands was, & still is, a constant act for them.

I will never forget the many times my dad prayed for me when I was sick, with his hand on my hand, or maybe my head. He would come over to my house & do the same for my kids when he lived close enough.
I will never forget my dad gathering all the family around in the bedroom at my brother Tim's house & we poured our hearts out to God to ease my brother Steve's suffering & heal him.
Every trip we took started with prayer.
I remember being along on visitations with my parents & they always prayed with the ones they were visiting.
I remember how often they prayed with their pastor friends.
I remember countless times they praised God for who He was.
I remember well how they thanked Him for each of their grandbabies.
They continue to pray without ceasing.

I am increasingly grateful for my parents example & legacy. I love the memories they gave me & I love how they sought out God & showed our family how God was the center of everything in our lives.
I see that the seeds they've sown is carrying on. My brothers & sisters-n-law have prayed with us & for us often. It doesn't matter if it's over the phone or through an email, they take the time to pray. Nieces & nephews offer their prayer often. Alan initiates prayer together every night. Nate has prayed at every opportunity since he was small, no matter how many people were around or whether he knew them or not. I will always treasure my little boy praying multiple times daily for his Uncle Mark to get better, & any other concerns at the time.

So, today I am grateful for prayer being part of our story. When we pray about Joel's cancer, my dad's dementia, my husband's job, etc.. I want to remember that we are not just undergoing trials - we are becoming prayer warriors.

Just What I Had Needed One Day

I am sharing a letter sent to me today that was so encouraging,  & I believe it will be to others as well, as some of you are facing trials of your own & these uplifting words apply to you, too.
What was written in this note is written from the perspective of the Bible & from personal experience & so the words are very valuable. 
Along with that, though, the action of this letter is valuable because this dear friend took the time & effort to write it out & send it. Too many times, it's too easy to be so busy in our own worlds that we neglect the encouragement & spiritual or emotional nourishment those around us need.
I know it's not usually out of a lack of caring for others that people get lost in their own worlds. I know that for myself, I think that I will have more time later, so I will put something off, & then the next thing I know, I've forgotten about the need or my good intentions. Or, I don't notice what others need because they look like they are doing fine, & I am consumed with my own stress. That is not how I want to live, though. I am encouraged by this friend to take the time to care for people. I used to do so more, and I still have the desire to, but I've realized that I have let busy-ness really crowd out time for others. I didn't even realize how much I've let that happen.

While my children, husband & family may be my first responsibility to encourage and serve, I should also be doing the same for the family of God. Plus, I need to example to my children how to be watching out for those around them. We need to be cheering for them & picking them up when they are kicked down. We need to notice when people are tired or discouraged.  We need to notice that it can be people with smiles on their faces in their perseverence, but inside they are struggling in even being able to serve God or be a light to others or just get through their day because they are weary and need a friend to come alongside them & remind them of the value of their life and what they share.  I believe that it is possible that we as Christians focus on the seemingly more desperate needs of the world so often, that we are walking right past each other & not recognizing the weary in our own family.

To an extent, I had even backed off encouraging others because some people don't seem to want or need it and then I feel ridiculous, - so it's better to be cautious, I have felt. But, maybe it would be better to feel foolish occasionally and know that I am not neglecting anyone God put in my path, rather than overlook someone who could use encouraging words or acts of service in my fear. I'm glad my friend didn't hesitate to take the time for me!  -----



Hi Rachel,
     We still pray for you guys and with some urgency...like the way we have been praying for......  We do know what it feels like to be living with overwhelming stress and our worst period of it was when we were exactly your age and our kids were about the age of yours.  I don't know how God decides to make changes in our situation, but sometimes He lets it get to feeling like it is over our heads.  
     However in Isa. 43:2 it says..."When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;  when you walk through fire you shall not be burned and the flame shall not consume you."  This may have been written to Israel, but many times in my life I have heard the voice of God whisper it in my ears.  And my answer to Him stayed....  I didn't understand the "why" and learned to not ask the questions.  So much is beyond us until we are with Him .    Job 19:25,26  and Job 13:15
     In your pain, God is writing a story with your lives as a family and He is using you in the midst of these depressing circumstances to impact many lives...some you will never know about.  They are wondering how you manage to get out of bed every morning, how you smile, how you love each other, how you open your doors to many lonely teen boys who are friends of your sons, how Allyson smiles and brightens any room she enters.  They wonder Who is it that you sing about in the middle of lots of trouble
     Meantime God is carrying you through this...like the picture of where the footprints stop...because He is carrying you.  Job cried out to God in His misery.  But at the end, He said that the way He knew God at the end of the trial was WAY DIFFERENT from his faithful following of his Creator in his earlier days................
        Love you guys so much,  Joyce

Defining Moments of our Story (Introduction)

If you know much of our story, ( by 'our', I mean the Prairie family, including the spouses of Jerry & Audrey's descendants), you know that we have often been told we were living a 'Modern Day Job Story'.
I don't mind being defined, to an extent, by the trials in our lives and I hope and pray that God uses these events in our lives to be an instrument of growth for us, and help to others.
But, as I think about the many, varied trials, I realize that they can almost drown out the beautiful, golden moments that are also part of our story. 

So, I am starting a series called Defining Moments that expresses the moments that have happened in our family that is truly what defines us and shows joy that has come in the morning, as God promises (Ps. 30:5).
I may add some stories that share the trial that preceded the Defining Moment for the sake of explanation, but mainly I want to have a venue for remembering the outstanding moments during our times of sorrow. I want to praise God for the outcome of our trials and the things He has done through them. Those are what define us most.

Testing and trials may always have a part in our definition, and there are many stories of what has been learned through those. This other part should not be overlooked, though, because they are what shows the moments after the refiners fire.  They are what has kept our love for each other strong. They are what shows God's presence in our lives and they are what shows us glimpses of heaven.  They are God's gift to us. They are our true Defining Moments.....

How many brides get to have 5 men give them away on their wedding day? (One of the Defining Moments series)

(This was originally posted on facebook in January)

It was harder than I imagined watching my niece get married today without her dad there. First of all, I missed my brother and all the things I knew for certain he would say or do.  He would be so proud of his daughter, and he would be telling me (and my other brothers) how beautiful his little girl was.  He would have tears when he gave his daughter away. He would be putting his arms around his wife and telling her he can't believe their girl was a bride. He no doubt would have had one of his grandsons in his arms most of the night, proudly showing them off like he did when his kids were little.  :)

But, I also ached for my sister –n- law who didn’t have her husband by her side. I ached for the other family members who were missing their dad, uncle, son & brother. And, I ached for my niece who didn’t get to hear all the pride and love in her dad’s voice, especially when it came time to walk her down the aisle and say he gives her away to her husband to be.

But, something beautiful happened at that moment.
David, Sarah’s older brother, walked her down the aisle, after giving her a kiss on the cheek :). 
When the pastor asked who gives away this woman, David didn't speak  ---
Josh, Sarah’s younger brother from the groomsmen on stage, spoke up and said, “I do”.
Then, Ryan, her cousin/my nephew (Steve's nephew), stood up in the middle of the guests and said “I do”.
Uncle Mark (Steve's brother-n-law/my husband) stood up and said “I do”.
Uncle Tim (Steve's & my brother) stood up and said “I do”,
 and THEN David said “I do”.
Sarah had no idea that was what the men in her life were planning to do, but her tears showed what it meant to her.
As David stepped aside for Sarah to join Tim, her groom, I knew that Steve would have been pleased that his little girl had these amazing men to stand in for him.


ADDENDUM:  Joel, Steve's other living brother and Sarah's uncle missed the wedding due to major surgery. He was able to talk one week after, even though most of his tongue had been reconstructed and speech was unexpected for quite awhile. Within his first hour of trying to talk, which required much effort, he said with tears in his eyes, "I wish I had been able to be there to stand up and say 'I do' along with the other men. I love Sarah".     Because he wasn't there, he made a video, saying just that, to Sarah.  :)  Here's a link to that video:    video for Sarah   


Steve Prairie and small pic of Steve and Mark Prairie together

Mother of the bride and brother of the bride (Jan and David)

I love my niece so much - I can't believe I was living with them when she was born - and now she's married!

Josh, Ryan, Mark, Tim and David -- men who gave Sarah away

Josh and Judah, (Steve's son and grandson)

Mark and Ryan

My handsome brother :)

Happy to Say Goodbye

I am so thankful today for how God closed the door on a certain chapter in my life. I am thrilled to say 'Goodbye' to this experience. I can't even express the lightness in my heart concerning this. The way God worked through this circumstance and has ended it on such a sweet note gives me renewed hope and strength for the other challenges that are still ongoing.
I am so grateful that He picks me up when burdens are crushing, because, even though I have no reason to struggle with trusting Him, I still fail at it.  I am so grateful that He is full of mercy and gives me encouragement when my hope is floundering so I can continue on, singing with words like in the song below.

I'm Still Yours by Kutless
          (link to youtube)

If You washed away my vanity
If You took away my words
If all my world was swept away
Would You be enough for me?
Would my beating heart still sing?

If I lost it all
Would my hands stay lifted
To the God who gives and takes away
If You take it all
This life You've given
Still my heart will sing to YouWhen my life is not what I expected
The plans I made have failed
When there's nothing left to steal me away
Will You be enough for me?
Will my broken heart still sing?

If I lost it all
Would my hands stay lifted
To the God who gives
And takes away
If You take it all
This life You've given
Still my heart
Will sing to You

Even if You take it all away
You’ll never let me go
Take it all away
But I still know

That I'm Yours
I'm still Yours

Grown Ups Need Hide-Outs, Too!!!

Why don't adults have forts? I guess I know the answer to that, because adults do have forts, of a sort. For some it's their couch (in front of their t.v.), their boat, their sports game, their computer, their hobbies, or maybe the bar..... there are plenty of ways to 'hide-out' I suppose (some healthier than others).

 But, I  would seriously love a real fort. One that is built high in a tree, in a large field with woods surrounding it, where I can't be found. One that's reminiscent of the hide-outs we or our friends had as kids.  (Just in case my secret hideaway was happened upon by someone else, I suppose I would have a list of rules, you know, for traditions' sake. The sign on the outside of my fort, though, would say, 'No phones allowed! No computers allowed! No negative attitudes allowed!'. I don't have anything against boys or siblings, so I wouldn't have to ban them :) , but with the way I feel sometimes, I would like a huge sign that says 'No Trespassing!')

 I would also seriously long to run away to this fort I have in my vision with a book, camera, rocking chair and little else. I want to watch the beauty of nature, pray, reflect, read and sip strawberry lemonade with no worry of time. I don't want to be interrupted or forced to head back into the battles this life can give until I am ready. I realize I am not a child anymore and that this is not realistic - at least the part about no time constraints - but it sounds so safe and refreshing.

Sometimes this life is just so full of burdens, trials or loss that I am discouraged, weary and want to run. Run away and hide. Run and rest. Run and forget. Hide and cry. Cry out to God.   As I say these words, I realize what I've been forgetting at these times, which is probably so clear to anyone reading this - and that is that I have a hideout already, as a daughter of God.  I'm ashamed to admit what a slow learner I am. Why do I continually neglect to rush to God when life's problems start piling up? I know that I need Him more at these times, but I don't prepare by seeking Him more and hiding myself in Him more, and the result is that I feel like I need to run away. Like I have to step away for a time out so I can breathe again. Don't get me wrong, I am not going to say that God wouldn't be ok with me having a fort, especially if it gave me a chance to spend more time in being still and listening to Him. I am just remembering today that if I was guarding my heart better, I would not have the need to run away. Someday I hope to have my fort, but I hope to use it for joy, refreshment, renewal of my mind and hiding in God. Not hiding away because I've neglected to run to God first, therefore refusing His strength and protection in the midst of stress.


Ps. 119:114  "You are my hiding place and shield."

Psalm 46:1 ESV

"God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble."

Psalm 46:10 ESV

"Be still and know that I am God."

Haley is sick, but should be o.k.! A blog about her & info on pesticide poisoning

Too sleepy to feel guilty about being on the couch

My puppy, who happens to be 10 yrs. old, has been the best of friends to me. I don't mean that I elevate her above my human friends, but she is part of our family & the most loyal & loving she could possibly be. She's even polite! She answers with a shake of her head everytime we ask her if she wants to go away or for a walk. That means she does want to go, she just has shaking confused with nodding. :)   She shakes hands with everyone she meets & gives high fives when asked. I never have to do anything alone, because she is right there beside me. Always. Even when I beg her to stay put, she pretends she doesn't hear me & goes where I go. The only time I go to the bathroom alone is when I can get in without her knowing it. :/  

She can be a little naughty too, though, sometimes. When Mark leaves for work or is gone at night, she automatically thinks his spot on the bed is open for her. Even if I make her get down, she finds her way back up when I am asleep & most often does not stay on the open side.  She also will plant her feet on the ground when we walk past Bentley's house (her boyfriend, she thinks) in hopes to see him, whether we want to stop or not. Almost every night he will come out  to see us so that we will pet him (he just loves US),  & he will tolerate Haley's enthusiasm for a minute, but then that's enough & he goes back to laying down in his driveway. Poor Haley. The feelings aren't mutual between them.  That doesn't stop her though, & when she waits outside his house for him & he doesn't show up, she literally hangs her head low & plods the rest of the way home!

Some day I will have to say good-bye to her, but I am not looking forward to it & I'm glad it's not today.  She is sick, but should return to normal health in a few days or so. I am very grateful for God's gift of animals to us.  I think it's awesome how God uses them as another means of companionship, beauty, joy & even example to us. (Ok, so, I may never find a snake beautiful, or want the companionship of an alligator, but I am sure there is something that could be learned from them, at least!)  Haley has been all those things for our family. She's been a source for learning responsibility for the kids, given unconditional love to us & makes going to the river fun. Not to mention, she's a protector from any tree limb that may blow against the window or any cat in the yard!  We are on our own for thunderstorms, though, so she can hide under the table. :)

Note:   The vet determined Haley was being poisoned from flea products. I had given her a bath with Hartz flea shampoo, and then put a flea collar on her afterward. She was so miserable from fleas, & I didn't want fleas in the house, so I was trying to ensure I got rid of them not realizing it could make her so sick. We noticed that she had become very lethargic, was panting heavily, had quit eating & was holding her tail tightly between her legs. She was moving slow & shaky when she would get up or walk, also. Since the only thing that was different was the addition of the flea collar, I looked up possible reactions to flea & tick products & found a surprisingly large amount of information on animals who had been poisoned from them. Some were left with brain damage, blindness or died. Maybe this isn't new information to anyone else, but I didn't realize these over the counter products were that lethal, especially when neither of them were ingested. Of course, the chemicals were in her skin & even though I bathed her well with liquid detergent before going to the vet, the veterinarian could still smell the poisons on her. I just want anyone else who is unaware of how easily this can happen to know about it. We have used flea collars before & that same shampoo a lot without any trouble, so beware of this possibility. If anyone wants information on the names of the poisons, how they can harm people as well as their pets, etc., let me know & I will pass on the links I've found (which coincided with what the vet told us today.)  Again, I knew to be careful with these things, but I am surprised how dangerous they can be. From what I've read, many others don't expect this level of toxicity, either.

The vet said to expect Haley to be sick for a few days up to 2 weeks and to make sure she drinks a lot of water.  If she won't drink, I have to bring her in for IV's, but so far she is staying hydrated (barely) - she just won't go to her water on her own. The vet said to let Haley sleep & stay quiet & in the dark as much as she wanted. Haley should not have any long term issues. Haley was not as bad as others the veterinarian has seen, so she was confident in her recovery.  Thank you, to all who prayed - we were pretty scared this morning.

 

God's Timing

This spring Alan & Nate signed up for a 10 day Colorado trip with our church youth group. This trip was going to provide intense hiking, sleeping one night alone in the mountains, time with God, etc. They worked very hard to earn the money for the trip with opportunities some friends at church provided & a lot of time was put into this endeavor. 

As Alan was preparing for this trip, he had to face some things he wasn't expecting & he had a choice to make about trusting God with these things.
The biggest change that concerned him was who was going on the trip, or rather, not going. He found out that his good friend was not going after all, & then that Nathan could no longer go. Considering there was only a handful of other guys going that he barely knew, coupled with the anxiety he feels about leaving home for an extended period of time, this was not good news. In fact, for Alan, this was incredibly hard news. He tried to get some other friends to go, but none of them could for various reasons. He was sincerely worried & anxious about the trip feeling very long without companionship & was wishing he didn't have to go. He could have backed out (if we would have let him), but he didn't consider it. He made a commitment to go & was going to follow it through. I was a proud mom, but felt so badly for him knowing this kind of situation is especially challenging for him.

So, his commitment was set, but that didn't stop the worry of being gone that long from home (he is a homebody for sure) without any family or close friends. Alan doesn't even like to be gone long when the whole family is together. This situation may not bother a lot of people, but to Alan, it was large. It seemed like going on the trip was going to be time lost with friends during a summer that already seemed so short. He hasn't gone on a trip like this before, so it was easy to imagine what he would be missing at home, but not what he would miss if he didn't go on the trip.

We had several long talks in which I  reminded him that God had worked out everything up to this point so that he could go on this trip, & the leadership skills he would learn & relationships he would build with others in the youth group were wonderful experiences God was providing him through this.
Then, I asked him, "Are you ready to give your worries to God & trust that whatever He works out will be what ultimately makes you happiest?"    He honestly answered that he was afraid God's best for him would not be what he wants.  Oh, how I understand that.

God certainly allows things we do not want because it is what we need or it is best for us somehow. It's usually hard to be happy about those things until well after the fact.
We talked about the fact that God had time to still work it out for a friend he was comfortable with to go, even though it seemed impossible with all the things that would have to be done before hand (a physical was needed, as well as supplies, etc.). We talked about how it would certainly stretch him to go without that kind of support & how beneficial that could actually be & how he could choose to be happy with that if that is what it came down to. We talked about how God may have a friend in mind for him on this trip that he just hasn't had a chance to connect with before or maybe even met yet.

Alan & I prayed many times & each time he gave up his will for God's will & asked for the strength to do & learn what God wanted him to through this. He told God he would trust Him to work all things out to what was the best for him. He chose to trust that God cares about his desires, so He would provide for his desires, although it may be in a totally unexpected way.  He chose to trust that God may provide for his anxieties and desires in ways we do not recognize immediately as something we want. He chose to trust God for the grace & positive attitude he would need to get through the 10 day trip of hard work & no family or friends. He chose to trust that God would provide new friends through the others that were going. Since he couldn't really see or feel how anything was going to turn to good, it was a true act of discipline & obedience to trust.

However, Alan's natural inclinations to want to stay at home were threatening the peace he had concerning this trip. I felt certain that God still had great things in mind for Alan & all the other kids going on this unique trip, & that satan was doing what he could to keep Alan from it. We prayed, & prayed some more. The morning of the trip, we knew there was no time for anyone to change their mind to go.  I could see disappointment in Alan that God had not stepped in to help with this, but his mind was made up to face his anxieties & uncomfortableness & take whatever good he could from the trip. It is so hard to see one of my children struggling with situations that are difficult. It's so very hard to not be able to fix everything for my kids when there is a problem. I had to remind myself & Alan that God loves him even more than I do, & if I want to give good gifts to him, how much more so does God? 

Matthew 7:11 ESV: If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!  Trust & a surrender of desires still had to play a part, though, & I couldn't be more proud of Alan's heart choices.

As we arrived at our church for the take-off, Alan's good friend who was no longer going to Colorado was there to practice his guitar with the worship pastor. He & our worship pastor stuck around for the prayer with the travelers before take-off & good-byes.  At the very last minute, our youth pastor asked this friend, "Are sure you don't want to go along?  It's going to be great!"  And the friend hesitated for a second & then said, "Oh, okay, I guess I'll go "   WHAT?!!    It turns out his bag was already in the trailer & he was all set to go. Evidently, this friend decided to go just a couple of weeks earlier, but he kept it a secret from Alan.  I don't know how he did so with all the persistent, persuasion arguments Alan had been giving him about going, but he & everyone else that knew kept quiet!

The few weeks ahead of the trip were stressful because of this secret, but I am so glad it worked the way it did. As hard as it was to see Alan working through his anxieties, he had a wonderful exercise in trusting the Lord, having the right attitude & frame of mind concerning this challenge, & a wonderful blessing when God showed him answered prayer in the very last second.  This will be such a wonderful reminder to him that God is definitely in control, & is not limited. God was answering his prayers all along, Alan just didn't know it or know how. Alan knows by personal experience that we should never doubt God listens to us, & that nothing is impossible for Him, no matter what it looks like to us. God's timing is perfect.

Modern Day Job Story?

I have been told many times that my family was living a Job story. I don't know about that, but I do know why they think that. You see, the Prairie family has suffered more than our fair share. Actually, that statement itself is not fair, is it? We can't say, "God, use me. You are in  control of my life. I want to be who You want me to be. You lead the way & I will follow. I will stay faithful to You",  & expect Him to not use us or put us to the test.

I just didn't expect how He was going to use us, how He was going to work in us or what all He was going to ask of us. So, I am sad to say I have felt doubt at giving God free reign in my life at times. As sincere as I was at those times of surrender, would I do it again if I knew what lay ahead in life?  Now, I am not saying that my prayers caused the death of my siblings,  but, if my parents & siblings weren't so passionate to be used by God, & hadn't exampled that to me encouraging my own passion, would God still have allowed the extent of trials & grief in our lives that He did? Would He have stepped in & only allowed the more gentle trials if we hadn't given ourselves over to His will & surrendered all?  When I miss my brothers a lot, I do have some of these thoughts seep in, but one sobering question also comes: "Would I choose NOT to fully give my life to Christ to do with as He chooses if I knew then what I know now?".

No, I don't think I would, at least, I hope I wouldn't. After all, I believe He gave His son to die for me. How could I take that gift, believe He is God, & refuse to allow Him control?  God's ways are not my ways, but His ways are perfect & I've even been able to see how perfectly He works sometimes, so even in the things I don't understand, He is worthy of trust. He gave me life, & I want to give it back to Him. 

I truly don't understand why I have had to lose 4 brothers, though - or why my parents had to lose 4 children. But, if God wants that to be part of my story, I have a responsibility to be who He wants me to be & do what He wants me to do through it. I don't know if I am where He wants me, but I am going to continue to be open to His molding & willing to serve where He wants. Not only do I desperately want to hear God say 'Well done', but my children are watching me. I have a huge responsibility to example grace & trust (& more) because I do not want to taint or harm their relationship with God. I do not want them to live in a household with bitterness, either.  They are a great motivation, but selfishness or anxiety threaten to crumble my resolve at times.

I miss my brothers more than I can say. I miss Mark calling me every day, whether I had time to talk or not :). I miss Steve doing sports, shopping & projects with me. I miss how Philip thought I was worthy to hang out with when I was little & how he was a hero to many. I miss what could have been with Jonathon. I don't understand why there has had to be death, suffering, diseases, job losses, medical bills, certain challenges/hurts unique to a Pastor & his family, best friends who had to move across the country, unfair circumstances, betrayal, abuse or rape within our family.  I hurt for my parents who have had to watch their children go through tragedies. Not that they didn't protect us from many of the things they had to live through, because they loved us fiercely & gave us a storybook family life. But, as much as they have undergone personally,  I know the worst thing for them is when their kids suffer - especially when they are powerless to fix whatever it is they are suffering from.  But, their unwavering faith encourages me to stay with what I know is right, & that is that we are here to fulfill God's purpose & life isn't about me & my wants. That brings me back to remembering that I can choose only this  - "I'm yours, God".

In more recent years I have sung Mercy Me's words with trepidatious sincerity, "...I know there'll be days when this life brings me pain, but if that's what it takes to praise You, Jesus bring the rain."    I want to mean this & to want what God wants more than what I want, but the fact that I have to continue to say that I choose the ways God has for me is proof that I am weak. I am scared to say this more, because I am ready to be pain free.  I am ready for my brothers, parents, husband, sisters-n-law, children, nieces & nephews to be pain free.  I do not want any more losses or hurts added to my experiences. And to be brutally vulnerable, I am terrified of the loss of more special people in my life. I am terrified I will be alone without any loved ones. Without the friendship, the relationships, the support, the laughs, the fun....everything. It's a daunting thought to me. It's an insecure feeling to have had your circle of family & friends change so drastically.

But, here's the thing: while some people call us a modern day Job family, I know there is much more suffering in the world than I have had to endure. Even more than my parents have had to endure, I suppose. Maybe even more than Steve who had to struggle for breath for months & face the fact that he was going to be leaving his kids & wife, & saying good-bye to his siblings & parents. Maybe more than my nieces & nephews who had to finish growing up without a father. So, what really has God asked of me?

He has only asked me to be part of a large, incredible family for many years that I loved dearly, & then to have to say good-bye to some of them temporarily. I would never, ever give up what I had, even though it's so hard when I miss it - it was a beautiful gift from God & who am I to say He can't take His gifts when He wants to?  And, yes, there have been some pretty hard other trials to face or stand by why my loved ones faced them, but some people have been tortured & martyred for loving God. I don't have that fear as an American. Some people have had abuse by their family or friends - I just have to live without mine for awhile & there's never even been a fear of abuse from them.

There is too much suffering others have had to go through in their lives to even comprehend, but, suffice it to say, "Hasn't God actually been pretty gentle with me?".  The faith & trust of other Christians who have suffered for Christ or endured horrendous happenings amazes me & helps dissipate fear & anxieties of future storms in my own life. It also helps to accept the storms that have already come.  I thank God for their example & I need to focus on praying more for the tragedies they are going through. Even if I don't know of specific situations, I can be aware of the kinds of things a lot of people are facing around the world.  Of course, there are tragedies right next door, as well, & Christians who keep their eyes on Christ through it all.
So, I have no excuse to be selfish with my life. I have God, I have examples other Christians have set before me & therefore no reason to contemplate what my life could be like if I tried to maintain control or reason to think I've suffered too much. For one thing, my control is limited. For another, my circumstances could be exactly the same whether I surrendered to God or not. I would much rather go through the trials with a life that is being molded by God or used by God, than fight against God's will for my life.

Quite a cycle of hurt, trust, fear, selfishness, awareness, trust again, anxiety, surrender, etc., etc.... The anxieties & then the resolve to trust God may repeat itself for awhile yet. One of the two brothers I have left is battling cancer right now. My dad is acting as if he has Alzheimer's or Dementia & he is already different from the dad I could always rely on for answers or to fix things. I honestly don't know what our family structure will look like, even in the near future, but I can remember God's ways are perfect. I can remember my life is His to do with as He wants. I can remember to rejoice in suffering because He is refining me. I can remember with gratefulness all the protection He has provided us & sorrow He has saved me & my family from. I can keep choosing to be used by Him the way He wants me to. I can remember that if we do live a Job story, I should count it all joy & a privilege to serve God.  I can remember the trials many people have to go through in this life will soon be replaced with the perfectness of heaven. And, I will remember there is suffering far greater than my own. If I fail to remember these things, please remind me.