There is always more on my heart than words can say, but I find journaling my thoughts or prayers a great exercise & makes a record to view of memories & our history - I invite you to join me if you can relate to authentic life.

Monday, November 5, 2012

Here I Go....with shaky knees

I haven’t written for awhile. What do I have to say, anyway? I mostly write for myself so I can process thoughts. I feel better when I write because it captures a memory. Or, expresses joy. Or, relieves pain. Sometimes, though, there is SO much going on, I don't even know how to put it all into words.
But, I have been hearing a repetitive message the past few months. A number of people have asked when I am going to continue with my blog, and have been saying 'You need to write a book!'.  Wow! That's pretty cool, but I've been feeling apprehensive. A book? That's a little daunting. What would my theme be? Our experiences or lessons learned have been all over the place, not just in one moving story to share like so many people have.  And, my blog? It seems all I have to write about are the never ending mountains we have to scale. I want to be witty and fun! I want to write about all kinds of amazing things I get to do. But, I am not especially witty and I haven't accomplished some incredible feat, so what do I say?  
With some insistent urging from Mark and Allyson, also, I asked God the questions I thought I already knew the answer to:   "Could you really want to use the little I have to offer? I know You can use anything, but do You really want to use me? There are a lot of other people with more fantastical stories and things to share than I!". My prayers have gone on to remind God that I haven't even had the mental energy to write lately, and when I do, it's not very good so I have to throw it out. I let Him know that people can be judgmental when they read about others and I don't like to be judged. I remind him that others are better story tellers. And, what about a happy ending all books seem to have? I am not ready to portray that I have everything fixed in my life, because I don't think I ever will if I am continually growing in Christ. These were my arguments.
And, what has He said? Well, on a daily basis I hear a whispering in my heart to start sharing. I have given Him my doubts each time, but He continues to impress thoughts, stirring up a desire in me. He has been telling me softly, as well as clearly through people in my life, what He wants me to do.
I wonder why? Is it just because it can be therapeutic and He knows just how much I could use a little therapy? :)  Is He going to use it to teach me new lessons? Is He going to use it to help others? Will I ever know the answer? Maybe not, but as we all know, when God tells us to do something, our response can’t be determined on seeing the end result. Where is the faith and trust in that? I am not particularly great at trusting, though, because I can see several ways where the venture I am going to go on could really end up being difficult if those that read what I have to offer reject it or don’t understand. My truth this year has been this, though: ‘God is my best friend, He is all I need’.  I’ve had a number of things taken away and have had to hang on to that. I am pretty young still, and I still have a lot to lose, and if my path continues like it has, I know I still have my Protector, Best Friend, Father, Joy and all I will ever need. So, I can obey Him, and know that whatever trepidations I have or realities that come to pass won’t really matter because He holds me tightly and I cling to Him.

So, here I go. Please pray for me. If nothing else, I am learning a lesson in trust and obedience here. If a lot of people continue to read my blog, then it’s important that I say what God intends. I am struggling a bit with some of the things I believe God may be prompting me to talk about (at some point on this journey), and I find that my authentic nature is being challenged. I guess you’ll see what I mean if you keep reading……    


  1. I am so excited to follow this journey of yours!

  2. welcome to the journey of having "open arms and your heart abandoned". God is so proud of you!!! locking arms with you girl!