There is always more on my heart than words can say, but I find journaling my thoughts or prayers a great exercise & makes a record to view of memories & our history - I invite you to join me if you can relate to authentic life.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Please God, Do What I Cannot Do...

Please God, do what I cannot do. I seem to not be able to do anything. I am unable to control so many things.

I cannot fix our cars. I cannot make those fixing them, fix them any faster. I cannot pay to get them all fixed. I cannot walk to work. I cannot buy a new car. I just CAN”T. Why don’t I have ANY control? I feel that I need to take care of these issues, because we have work and school in the morning. Certainly, You want us to keep up with our responsibilities.

I cannot make my sinus infection go away. I have tried to do all the at home remedies I know, which have helped a lot, but the infection is still growing. Certainly, You want me to be healthy enough to work well and take care of my family well, right?

I cannot fix my dad. His alzheimer’s is progressing and we are losing who he is. I don’t want to lose him yet. I am only 42 and just lost my 5th brother. I want to make him better and keep as many of the men in my life around, as long as I can. Certainly you don’t want me to lose more love and support – more everything that family gives- than I already have, right? Certainly, you don't want my kids and husband to lose more, right?

I cannot fix my mom. She is exhausted from caring for my dad and we are too far away to be of help. When we did try to go to help, over the break, our only car broke down. I could not help hers or our disappointment. I can't get her more sleep from here, or stay with my dad so she can do errands from here. I cannot send her money so she can hire help or move them closer to me. I cannot even hug her, and it's hard to help with decision making from here. Certainly, you want us to honor our parents and support them, right?

I cannot make more money for me or my husband or my daughter….all I can do is work every time you allow, and look for every opportunity. I can pray for sales for my husband, and jobs for my boys, and control what money goes out (except the unexpected bills, of which there have been so many)….but, I cannot control what we bring in. You promised to meet our needs. You have always taken care of us, I know, but there is so much need right now. Certainly, you want our family provided for, right? Certainly, You don’t want our kids to be stressed and uncertain of so much, right?

I cannot fix the school issue for our kids or the transportation issue. It is what it is – their school is too far away for our issues, and another school doesn’t take school of choice, and another is not going to work out as well with our senior's credits….. Do we homeschool again? Do we keep limping along, not sure how or when they are getting home each day? Certainly, You care about each of the needs the kids have involving school, sports, friends, etc.

I cannot fix my husband or my kids. I cannot steel them against disappointments. I cannot fix what they feel or have to go through. I miss the days when the kids were small, and a hug and a prayer would fix them. There is anxiety over our needs. There is grief over the loss of Joel, and the changes in Grandpa.  There are teenage issues for the boys, decisions that weigh on Alan’s heart, and pressures that only a man can fully understand of providing for the needs of his family. I can’t make Mark’s exhaustion go away after many, many hours of work. I can help, but that’s all. I can’t schedule his hours for him at WalMart or his meetings with his insurance job. All I can do is make home easier, since he is answering to the call of others, without much monetary reward to eliminate the stress. Certainly, You don’t want them to be overburdened and You want to bless the work of our hands, right?

Please God, do what I cannot do. Do whatever it is You want to do. If the things I believe are necessary, are not in Your will, I will accept that. Maybe the things I think are a certainty, are not for some reason, and if not, I will trust You.  Please, God, hold my family tightly in Your arms. Give us wisdom to know what we can do.  Please stop this neverending(seemingly) cycle of trials and grief. Please comfort us if You don’t.
While I wait on You to do the things I cannot, I will do what I CAN do. I will be patient, I will trust, I will sing, I will love, I will search for Your wisdom, I will pray, I will be still, I will be grateful and I won't worry about the things that are in Your Hands.  

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