My cycle of thoughts this weekend and the processing of
I can't think of anyone who deserves to go Home more than my dad. I want that for him, because Christ has truly been his refuge, his strength, his best Friend, his Everything. The reunion awaiting him will be spectacular.
Beyond that, he will be with 5 of his sons again. He will see his daughter-in-law, his grandkids, his parents and siblings/siblings -in-law. He loved them all so deeply.
He has known much grief. He has faced much hardship. He has been betrayed. Through it all, he has clung with a tenacity that I marvel at to his belief in the goodness and perfectness of God. What a glorious day it will be for him to be with his Saviour!!
But, now that hospice believes he is in his last weeks, I've switched from wanting him to be free and I'm thinking, 'Whoa, hold on! Not so fast! I'm not ready to say good-bye!......I CAN'T DO THIS!!!!.'
I'm SO grateful for having the best dad I can imagine and for all the years he poured into my life. I just selfishly want to hang on for more. I feel too young to be without a dad.
My heart starts racing throughout the day, breathing becomes quick and shallow. I'm trying to focus on finishing picture stuff, traveling, making work and school arrangements, and finding clothes for the future memorial that sounds like it's getting close. It feels like I've gone through these preparations a thousand times. It's been enough that it brings me anxiety, even though most people don't see that I get shaky and cold and nervous. This time will be a little different than the others - not better or worse - but different, because it's the first time I'll lose a father. My mind keeps racing with questions and even some fear:
Who's going to be there to pray for me when I so desperately need it? There's been so many times I've called him over the years.
Who's going to answer my questions about faith, the church, scripture and trials with the depth of experience and commitment my dad had?
Who's going to hug me as much as he did?
Who's going to tell me how nice I look? He always told me I looked 'sharp' and pretty and I think he and I talked about clothes more than my mom and I. He loved showing off any new tie or shirt he got.
Who's going to like my style as much as he and ask me to make things for him?
Who's going to bring me all kinds of garage sale stuff that I may or may not need?
Who's going to come help me with projects?
Who's going to remind me how much Nathan looks like Steve? He often said recently how much Nate reminded him of Steve at the same age.
Who's going to bring me treats when I don't feel good or run through Wendy's for a frosty with me just because we are out doing errands - of course, I had to promise not to tell mom he was cheating on his diet.
Who's going to stop by just because they want to have a few minutes to talk and see the kids?
Who's going to bring me all kinds of printed information that he thought I needed to know?
Who's going to pray daily for me (and the rest of our family) with the intensity and fervor that he did?
I've had to get used to some of these things being over already, due to living in separate states and his dementia of late, but saying goodbye for good is so......real.
I have these days where I'm afraid to not have my dad to turn to and I want to soak up more of his wisdom.
But, I DO have an answer to my questions.
Who's going to fill in for my dad? Well, no one can take his place, of course. And, while my mom actually did many of these things with my dad (and she won't stop), I know she and my dad would say what they've always said, either in words or actions - God is your answer for everything.
Even though I am going to miss being my dad's only daughter and the special bond we had, I'm going to honor him by realizing I'm still going to be a daughter that will be loved and protected by a Father - I'm still a daughter of the King!! God will never leave me without wisdom, comfort, love or any good thing I ask for. There is nothing my dad would ever want more than to know that I rely on God before any person, even himself. My dad has taught me a lot about this already and I will remember what he's shared with me, learn from his example and honor his legacy by relying on my Heavenly Father in the places I used to rely on my dad for.
I know that I will still feel hurt, and sometimes anxiety during this journey of losing my dad, but through it all, I'm not alone. I will try not to forget it in the stressed moments, even though satan will want me to feel that way at times. I will just have to focus on my dad being in Heaven - that's the best grief care I know. It's much harder to think of my loss when I know my loved ones are happy, free from pain and with their Lord!
Psalm 121:1 -2 “I lift up my eyes to the hills, where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, maker of heaven and earth.”
Isaiah 41:10“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” (NIV)
Deuteronomy 31:6“Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.” (ESV)
Showing posts with label Grief. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Grief. Show all posts
Sunday, September 29, 2013
Thursday, September 26, 2013
LIfe Unexpected
Life Unexpected. I decided that is going to be the name of my book.
Much of life is a surprise, isn't it? I can't even begin to list the expectations I had for life that did not work out as I thought. Sometimes that was a wonderful blessing. Other times that meant there were circumstances I didn't think I could bear.
In either case, the name of the Lord deserves praise. ( Ps.113:3)
Praising God has never been a problem when He has blessed me with undeserved gifts! And, I can say it's always been my goal when He's taken away things I treasure or believe I need. I have not always reached that goal, however. I wish I could say that I've chosen praise all the times I plead for answers instead, but I'm learning to do that more and more.
As I look ahead at my life, I'm wondering what expectations I'm still carrying. Do I expect to live a long life? Do I expect my kids or husband to live long lives? Do I expect we will never be jobless again? Or, to be financially secure? To always have a home? To keep all my limbs? To never be betrayed by people I trust? To always have freedom in our country? To have all my kids be college graduates? To avoid strife in my family? I actually do expect these things and more - to a degree anyway. Clearly, I am still learning how to let go of my expectations.
I am not suggesting for a moment that creating expectations to live by is wrong. I expect my kids to live by the rules of our home, for example. What I have learned, though, is that people tend to expect things and then feel wronged when those things aren't fulfilled. At least, I sure do. When that happens, we forget to be thankful for all God has provided us. We think we deserve things that were never really promised to us. We forget our ultimate mission because we put our focus on ourselves.
Just one example I have of this is that I always believed I would have my family around. I knew there was a chance someone could die early, of course. After all, my first brother died before I was born and the other when I was 5, so I wasn't naïve to the possibility. It just never occurred to me that by the age of 43, I would only have one brother alive out of 6 and that my dad would be in the final stages of Alzheimer's disease. I assumed they would always be around until we were all older, because that is generally the rule.
I don't think I should have contemplated who may be dying when I was younger, but I DO know that when they did die, I felt robbed. I was shortchanged. I deserved to have them around just like all my friends who have their siblings and get to continue to share holidays and special events with them, didn't I?
BUT, then I realized......I was never shortchanged at all. The truth was that I had been given the blessing of a large family. I had been unaware that it would change so drastically, but it was still a gift - not a right that was taken from me. I'm not exactly speaking of the concept of just being grateful for what we had even though lives were cut short, but the shift in vision that allows me to see that we didn't lose out at all. This was God's story for our lives and it was different than I thought, but we were incredibly blessed to have what we had. I much prefer having all those brothers for part of my life than for none of it. In fact, for all I know, God could have extended their time with us because of our prayers.
That doesn't mean that I miss my loved ones any less. My heart hurts when I'm wanting them here, I grieve when it's obvious they are missing, especially when a major life event is happening. I don't say that so anyone will feel sorry for me, just to acknowledge that grief is part of life and I'm not denying that it's there.
God cleared what was a distorted view on my part and gave me new perspective. Maybe this is more of an internal thing on my part, and maybe it's not a need most people face -- that of releasing their expectations. But, I did need it. I remember pleading with God to help me be happy for those around me that still had their whole families intact (to even be happy for those that weren't building relationships within their families & didn't seem to realize the blessing they could have), because I would feel jealous and like my close family deserved to be together more than those kinds of families. God answered my prayer with the realizations I've talked about here and has buried the temptation to become bitter under the ocean floor.
Surrendering my rights and expectations of everything in my life will be a battle I will fight until the day I die, I'm sure, but my daily prayer to God is this: "I don't know what You are going to give or take away today (and it scares me a little). It may seem You are taking away things that I should have been able to count on (can I please count on keeping Tim for a regular life span since he's the last brother left? and for that matter, everyone else in the family?) ....but, You had the right to give me the life You did and I am surrendering my right to plan it, envision the future and think I deserve more. I just thank You for everything You have given me and will treasure all the blessings until my time with them is up."
"Though He slay me, yet will I hope in Him..." Job 13:15
Much of life is a surprise, isn't it? I can't even begin to list the expectations I had for life that did not work out as I thought. Sometimes that was a wonderful blessing. Other times that meant there were circumstances I didn't think I could bear.
In either case, the name of the Lord deserves praise. ( Ps.113:3)
Praising God has never been a problem when He has blessed me with undeserved gifts! And, I can say it's always been my goal when He's taken away things I treasure or believe I need. I have not always reached that goal, however. I wish I could say that I've chosen praise all the times I plead for answers instead, but I'm learning to do that more and more.
As I look ahead at my life, I'm wondering what expectations I'm still carrying. Do I expect to live a long life? Do I expect my kids or husband to live long lives? Do I expect we will never be jobless again? Or, to be financially secure? To always have a home? To keep all my limbs? To never be betrayed by people I trust? To always have freedom in our country? To have all my kids be college graduates? To avoid strife in my family? I actually do expect these things and more - to a degree anyway. Clearly, I am still learning how to let go of my expectations.
I am not suggesting for a moment that creating expectations to live by is wrong. I expect my kids to live by the rules of our home, for example. What I have learned, though, is that people tend to expect things and then feel wronged when those things aren't fulfilled. At least, I sure do. When that happens, we forget to be thankful for all God has provided us. We think we deserve things that were never really promised to us. We forget our ultimate mission because we put our focus on ourselves.
Just one example I have of this is that I always believed I would have my family around. I knew there was a chance someone could die early, of course. After all, my first brother died before I was born and the other when I was 5, so I wasn't naïve to the possibility. It just never occurred to me that by the age of 43, I would only have one brother alive out of 6 and that my dad would be in the final stages of Alzheimer's disease. I assumed they would always be around until we were all older, because that is generally the rule.
I don't think I should have contemplated who may be dying when I was younger, but I DO know that when they did die, I felt robbed. I was shortchanged. I deserved to have them around just like all my friends who have their siblings and get to continue to share holidays and special events with them, didn't I?
BUT, then I realized......I was never shortchanged at all. The truth was that I had been given the blessing of a large family. I had been unaware that it would change so drastically, but it was still a gift - not a right that was taken from me. I'm not exactly speaking of the concept of just being grateful for what we had even though lives were cut short, but the shift in vision that allows me to see that we didn't lose out at all. This was God's story for our lives and it was different than I thought, but we were incredibly blessed to have what we had. I much prefer having all those brothers for part of my life than for none of it. In fact, for all I know, God could have extended their time with us because of our prayers.
That doesn't mean that I miss my loved ones any less. My heart hurts when I'm wanting them here, I grieve when it's obvious they are missing, especially when a major life event is happening. I don't say that so anyone will feel sorry for me, just to acknowledge that grief is part of life and I'm not denying that it's there.
God cleared what was a distorted view on my part and gave me new perspective. Maybe this is more of an internal thing on my part, and maybe it's not a need most people face -- that of releasing their expectations. But, I did need it. I remember pleading with God to help me be happy for those around me that still had their whole families intact (to even be happy for those that weren't building relationships within their families & didn't seem to realize the blessing they could have), because I would feel jealous and like my close family deserved to be together more than those kinds of families. God answered my prayer with the realizations I've talked about here and has buried the temptation to become bitter under the ocean floor.
Surrendering my rights and expectations of everything in my life will be a battle I will fight until the day I die, I'm sure, but my daily prayer to God is this: "I don't know what You are going to give or take away today (and it scares me a little). It may seem You are taking away things that I should have been able to count on (can I please count on keeping Tim for a regular life span since he's the last brother left? and for that matter, everyone else in the family?) ....but, You had the right to give me the life You did and I am surrendering my right to plan it, envision the future and think I deserve more. I just thank You for everything You have given me and will treasure all the blessings until my time with them is up."
"Though He slay me, yet will I hope in Him..." Job 13:15
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Are You Always Happy With Those Who Are Happy?
Romans 12:15 Be happy with those who are happy and weep with those who weep.
It would be nice if this verse went on to say that we only have to be happy with those who are happy, when it's fair. Wouldn't that be much easier?
Some days I have a hard time rejoicing with others, if I am being totally honest. (And, it's hard to grow without honesty, so I'll just admit it.) I don't often have a problem with being happy for the people in my life, but sometimes I am frustrated that those whom I have rejoiced with, have not done the same for me. Therefore, I can struggle to continue sharing in their happiness.
I am talking about the kind of person that does not share in your life due to jealousies or insecurities or something out of your control. The ones that are quick to be happy with others in front of you, but not you. It's knowing that it is purposeful that makes it hard. I am sure you understand what I mean, although I would guess your experience with this would have been in high school, rather than adulthood. At least, I hope so.
This has also been the case when it comes to feeling sorrow with others who haven't been there for me when it's my turn. I have listened with care to the trials or even just complaints of others, but sometimes feel as if what I get in return is judgememt, if anything at all, when I am hurting. Unfortunately, people can be quick to assume you have done something wrong if you are undergoing trials, even if they are Christians. Or, they don't want to share in your grief because it is uncomfortable or possibly even selfish.
There are a couple of things I know I must do when I don't feel like obeying the scriptures, and I know I better do it quickly before I give bitterness a chance to take hold.
I have to take those feelings to God. I know He understands unfairness, and all forms of rejection. I know He is my best friend, and even though He wants His people to do these things, He cares, too and will always be there for me. I also know He is the One who can change my heart to have the right attitude when I would rather act poorly.
Then, I just have to obey. It's important to keep voicing, whether it is in writing or in person, my happiness for others. Maybe they don't need it from me, even, but I am going to choose to be happy with those that are happy. And, I am going to share in other's sorrows without judging the reasons sorrow may be in their life. I will be available to be used by God whenever He wants to use me. I will do it even when the only one that notices is God. Maybe it's not always appropriate or necessary to do or say something physically, but I know it's important to be intentional.
I really can't stop there, though - I need to do some soul searching. Am I neglecting to be happy or weep with anyone whom I should be? Have I done the same thing to other's that has hurt me?
Of course, we are all going to miss times to share in each others rejoicing or sorrow since we can't always be on top of everything, but am I allowing that to happen on a consistent basis?
How many times have I been wrapped up in my own busyness or stress that I haven't seen where I could be another friend or family member to share in their life?
How many times have I let a lack of resources stop me from doing anything at all? Or, rather, how often have I let embarrassment of what little I have to offer to someone when they should be congratulated, or when they are hurting, stop me from sharing happiness and sorrow?
I don't know the answers to these questions, but I do know I want to be more alert to these commands from God. We all need to be noticing what is going on in the lives of those around us. The more we work on paying attention, we train our minds to be on the alert, and when our minds are alert they are urging us to reach out to others and/or to pray for others.
I thank God that I do have the many friends and loved ones that I do. I am so incredibly grateful that they rejoice with me and weep with me through life, and that those who have chose not to are not many. It is so meaningful when those that do are so proud of my kids' accomplishments, or when they take the time to ask and listen about the loved ones I am grieving.
Much of that happens through facebook, email, cards, etc... sometimes it's person to person with words, laughter, hugs or tears... whichever form it takes, it's wonderful, and of course, God planned it that way.
What are ways you rejoice or weep with others? Have you had any of the same experiences as I? Leave a comment and share how you reflect this verse, or how it has impacted your life.
It would be nice if this verse went on to say that we only have to be happy with those who are happy, when it's fair. Wouldn't that be much easier?
Some days I have a hard time rejoicing with others, if I am being totally honest. (And, it's hard to grow without honesty, so I'll just admit it.) I don't often have a problem with being happy for the people in my life, but sometimes I am frustrated that those whom I have rejoiced with, have not done the same for me. Therefore, I can struggle to continue sharing in their happiness.
I am talking about the kind of person that does not share in your life due to jealousies or insecurities or something out of your control. The ones that are quick to be happy with others in front of you, but not you. It's knowing that it is purposeful that makes it hard. I am sure you understand what I mean, although I would guess your experience with this would have been in high school, rather than adulthood. At least, I hope so.
This has also been the case when it comes to feeling sorrow with others who haven't been there for me when it's my turn. I have listened with care to the trials or even just complaints of others, but sometimes feel as if what I get in return is judgememt, if anything at all, when I am hurting. Unfortunately, people can be quick to assume you have done something wrong if you are undergoing trials, even if they are Christians. Or, they don't want to share in your grief because it is uncomfortable or possibly even selfish.
There are a couple of things I know I must do when I don't feel like obeying the scriptures, and I know I better do it quickly before I give bitterness a chance to take hold.
I have to take those feelings to God. I know He understands unfairness, and all forms of rejection. I know He is my best friend, and even though He wants His people to do these things, He cares, too and will always be there for me. I also know He is the One who can change my heart to have the right attitude when I would rather act poorly.
Then, I just have to obey. It's important to keep voicing, whether it is in writing or in person, my happiness for others. Maybe they don't need it from me, even, but I am going to choose to be happy with those that are happy. And, I am going to share in other's sorrows without judging the reasons sorrow may be in their life. I will be available to be used by God whenever He wants to use me. I will do it even when the only one that notices is God. Maybe it's not always appropriate or necessary to do or say something physically, but I know it's important to be intentional.
I really can't stop there, though - I need to do some soul searching. Am I neglecting to be happy or weep with anyone whom I should be? Have I done the same thing to other's that has hurt me?
Of course, we are all going to miss times to share in each others rejoicing or sorrow since we can't always be on top of everything, but am I allowing that to happen on a consistent basis?
How many times have I been wrapped up in my own busyness or stress that I haven't seen where I could be another friend or family member to share in their life?
How many times have I let a lack of resources stop me from doing anything at all? Or, rather, how often have I let embarrassment of what little I have to offer to someone when they should be congratulated, or when they are hurting, stop me from sharing happiness and sorrow?
I don't know the answers to these questions, but I do know I want to be more alert to these commands from God. We all need to be noticing what is going on in the lives of those around us. The more we work on paying attention, we train our minds to be on the alert, and when our minds are alert they are urging us to reach out to others and/or to pray for others.
I thank God that I do have the many friends and loved ones that I do. I am so incredibly grateful that they rejoice with me and weep with me through life, and that those who have chose not to are not many. It is so meaningful when those that do are so proud of my kids' accomplishments, or when they take the time to ask and listen about the loved ones I am grieving.
Much of that happens through facebook, email, cards, etc... sometimes it's person to person with words, laughter, hugs or tears... whichever form it takes, it's wonderful, and of course, God planned it that way.
What are ways you rejoice or weep with others? Have you had any of the same experiences as I? Leave a comment and share how you reflect this verse, or how it has impacted your life.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Connecting
Why do we write on facebook walls or go to grave sites to talk to our loved ones that are dead? We know they are unable to receive our words, but we still have this urge to connect....to try...
I remember my mom crying out to God after my brother Philip died, wishing she could talk to Phil again. Our family had just moved to Florida from Illinois 4 weeks previously, and Phil, who was 16, went spear fishing with our cousin Jimmy. He got sick very quickly after that, and went in to a coma. It was determined that bacteria from the pond got in his system and he died from encephalitis. My parents did not have a chance to really say good bye to him.
My mom told me that when she was crying out to God all the things she wished she could tell Phillip, she heard or sensed God say she could tell him herself.
She said that moment was unlike any she has ever had before or since, but she felt an unexplained opening to talk to Philip. So, she did. She told him she loved him and told him how he had been a wonderful gift from God to her and my dad. I am awed that God loves his children so much, and cares so much for a mother's heart, that He would provide that moment for her. It makes me think of Luke 7:13 where Jesus’ heart was filled with compassion for the widow who lost her son and He said, ‘Don’t weep!’. He then raised that boy up. Such love that He has for those that grieve! (How he must have grieved for His own mother who had to watch Him suffer.)
God knows the loss we are experiencing and that we need the closure of connecting with that loved one again. Learning to live life differently due to a loss takes time and the way we cope with that can look different from person to person, but it’s normal to want to talk to your loved one and I think that is ok.
Maybe God even gives our loved ones a glimpse of the things we want to share J
Joel, remember how the changing of the seasons brings about new waves of grief? Well, we are having an early spring this year, and as wonderful as that is, it's bringing thoughts and feelings I don't want. I've never had a spring without you here, and now that is something to get used to. We have to have an open house this spring for Alan who will have to do without another uncle there. It just stinks, and every other time we would feel like that, you were here to grieve with us. I know you fought hard to stay with us and I am proud of your tenacity and strength of the past year, but I don't like that you had to leave us. God is continually drawing us closer to Him, though, and I hope you have the ability to know that everyone is coping in healthy ways and relying on God. I wish you were here to help with dad...it's hard to have basically lost him at the same time as you, and very hard to see mom have to care for his needs so much, without the benefit of his gratefulness, personality or friendship anymore. I do hope, though, that he is reunited with you boys soon, so he is not tormented by this dementia for long. I wish I knew exactly what heaven is like for you, Steve, Mark, Phil, Jonathon, Jeremiah, and Aunt Vicki, Uncle Art, Aunt Dorothy, Uncle Wally....are you guys having heavenly volleyball games? Football games? Rook tournaments? Is there a lot of joking and laughing like our earthly reunions? Does Mark have a baby in his arms at all times? Do you talk about your amazing kids to each other and how strong your wives are? What was it like to meet your second son? Do you share with Mark's mom all about our kids that she never had a chance to know? Remember talking about Isaac, Mark's and my nephew on his side? I know for a fact that you would want to be playing basketball with him, since you both love the game. I wonder if the coach in you would surface. :) I wonder if he's showing you how to skate. Isn't he an amazing kids?! I know Heaven is much different than just an upgraded earth, but I hope all the incredible experience of it is shared with these loved ones. Even more than that, I cannot begin to imagine being in God's presence and the joy you all felt when rescued from your earthly bodies. You would probably say my imaginings are so amateur and, my questions limitless. Does God explain why all of you were taken so early in life or do you just immediately understand His plans? Or, do you even know yet?Have you met Job and Stephen? And, do you even know that they are the first 2 men of the Bible I want to meet and can you tell them for me that their stories have made a difference in my life? I wonder about a lot of things when it comes to saints and heaven, but I mostly just miss you all. Somehow, this new season is going to be about beautiful things and moving forward and hope.....I just wish it didn't have to feel so lonely, too. I wish you could hear me say 'I love you', but I know you know. Your Sister, Rachie-pooh (I found out that this well used nickname was what you used in your phone contacts for me - I really should find George from the 2nd grade and thank him for my lifelong nickname :) )
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