LIfe Unexpected

Life Unexpected. I decided that is going to be the name of my book.

Much of life is a surprise, isn't it? I can't even begin to list the expectations I had for life that did not work out as I thought. Sometimes that was a wonderful blessing. Other times that meant there were circumstances I didn't think I could bear.

In either case, the name of the Lord deserves praise. ( Ps.113:3)

Praising God has never been a problem when He has blessed me with undeserved gifts! And, I can say it's always been my goal when He's taken away things I treasure or believe I need. I have not always reached that goal, however. I wish I could say that I've chosen praise all the times I plead for answers instead, but I'm learning to do that more and more.

As I look ahead at my life, I'm wondering what expectations I'm still carrying. Do I expect to live a long life? Do I expect my kids or husband to live long lives? Do I expect we will never be jobless again? Or, to be financially secure? To always have a home? To keep all my limbs? To never be betrayed by people I trust? To always have freedom in our country? To have all my kids be college graduates? To avoid strife in my family?  I actually do expect these things and more - to a degree anyway. Clearly, I am still learning how to let go of my expectations.

I am not suggesting for a moment that creating expectations to live by is wrong. I expect my kids to live by the rules of our home, for example. What I have learned, though, is that people tend to expect things and then feel wronged when those things aren't fulfilled. At least, I sure do. When that happens, we forget to be thankful for all God has provided us. We think we deserve things that were never really promised to us. We forget our ultimate mission because we put our focus on ourselves.

Just one example I have of this is that I always believed I would have my family around. I knew there was a chance someone could die early, of course. After all, my first brother died before I was born and the other when I was 5, so I wasn't naïve to the possibility. It just never occurred to me that by the age of 43, I would only have one brother alive out of 6 and that my dad would be in the final stages of Alzheimer's disease.  I assumed they would always be around until we were all older, because that is generally the rule.
I don't think I should have contemplated who may be dying when I was younger, but I DO know that when they did die, I felt robbed.  I was shortchanged.  I deserved to have them around just like all my friends who have their siblings and get to continue to share holidays and special events with them, didn't I?

BUT, then I realized......I was never shortchanged at all. The truth was that I had been given the blessing of a large family.  I had been unaware that it would change so drastically, but it was still a gift - not a right that was taken from me.   I'm not exactly speaking of the concept of just being grateful for what we had even though lives were cut short, but the shift in vision that allows me to see that we didn't lose out at all. This was God's story for our lives and it was different than I thought, but we were incredibly blessed to have what we had. I much prefer having all those brothers for part of my life than for none of it.  In fact, for all I know, God could have extended their time with us because of our prayers.
That doesn't mean that I miss my loved ones any less. My heart hurts when I'm wanting them here, I grieve when it's obvious they are missing, especially when a major life event is happening. I don't say that so anyone will feel sorry for me, just to acknowledge that grief is part of life and I'm not denying that it's there.

God cleared what was a distorted view on my part and gave me new perspective. Maybe this is more of an internal thing on  my part, and maybe it's not a need most people face --  that of releasing their expectations. But, I did need it. I remember pleading with God to help me be happy for those around me that still had their whole families intact (to even be happy for those that weren't building relationships within their families & didn't seem to realize the blessing they could have), because I would feel jealous and like my close family deserved to be together more than those kinds of families. God answered my prayer with the realizations I've talked about here and has buried the temptation to become bitter under the ocean floor.

Surrendering my rights and expectations of everything in my life will be a battle I will fight until the day I die, I'm sure, but my daily prayer to God is this:  "I don't know what You are going to give or take away today (and it scares me a little). It may seem You are taking away things that I should have been able to count on (can I please count on keeping Tim for a regular life span since he's the last brother left? and for that matter, everyone else in the family?) ....but, You had the right to give me the life You did and I am surrendering my right to plan it, envision the future and think I deserve more. I just thank You for everything You have given me and will treasure all the blessings until my time with them is up."    

"Though He slay me, yet will I hope in Him..." Job 13:15

It Should Have Been Just Another Day

I was having lunch with the student leader of my Freshman TF class when I got the call. It’s hard enough to be in a busy, college dining room with the trouble my eye and ear have been giving me since the concussion, so I let the call go, knowing it would hurt to try to hear a phone conversation and figuring that it would just be an update since we didn’t talk the day before. I actually felt a little uncomfortable waiting to call back, but I thought I was being silly. I would just call right when I left the lunch room. Then I got a text saying I needed to call. ASAP.

I knew what that meant.

I excused myself from the student, but I didn’t want to call Sarah back. How many times have I received a phone call like that? I knew what was coming and I didn’t want any more of it. Of course, in the seconds of making a return call like that,  logic tried to step in and say that things were going so well that there’s no reason to believe anything went wrong. Logic said that I just get anxious easily because of previous events. Logic tried so hard to overrule, but my heart knew. 

As soon as I heard Sarah’s voice, my fears were confirmed. I started heading out the door. Then she said the words “…..she became immediately unresponsive. They worked on her for an hour but couldn’t revive her.”  I started crying as I was weaving in and out of the tables and didn’t know what to do with myself. I’ve been so weak and dizzy the last couple of months that my balance wasn’t holding up well with this shock, so I stumbled over to the windows and sat on the floor. Don’t ask me why – I have no idea what I was doing, I just knew I had to sit. I was slightly aware that I was receiving curious looks.

I had to make sure I heard right. I said, “You are saying that we lost her, too?”  She said yes.

All I could picture was Jan without her husband by her side, fighting for her life and 4 young adults in a hospital reliving an event they shouldn’t have had to go through even once.  You see, my nieces and nephews had already lost their dad, my brother, a few years ago.  Now, very unexpectedly, their mother was diagnosed with a leaky valve in her heart and within the week had surgery to fix it. Surgery had gone well, the doctor’s said. Jan was up and even having breakfast less than 2 days later. She evidently had a blood clot that stopped her heart immediately, according to the nurses and doctors that were with her.

I ended up making my way to my office, with students and staff stopping to give me hugs on the way, knowing something had to be very wrong in my world.  When I got there, Scott, Ryan and Steven prayed with me and were so comforting. Minga came over and stayed with me for a while and prayed with me. I have some amazing friends at CU and an amazing God that provides for His children when they are in shock and hurt. He has never let us down. Like I said, we've done this before.

By now, I pretty much have the drill down:

-Lose someone I love before they have a chance to get old.                                                                   -Feel shock that God would actually take another of my parents’ children (in this case, another   parent from my nieces and nephews).                                                                                                    -Grieve for my parents, grieve for the spouse or children left behind, grieve for myself and my husband and kids.                                                                                                                                      -Choose. Choose to remember God DOES love us immensely. God DOES know what’s happening and cares. God WILL take care of us that are left behind. God CAN be trusted. Choose to know that I am NOT necessarily the next one on the list to die. 

But, I’m going to be honest here. This is the first time I feel like throwing an out and out tantrum. If I wasn’t so tired, I just might. Please forgive me for thinking this, but ... isn’t it time for someone else’s family to grieve? Don't get me wrong, I truly don't want anyone else to feel pain. But if something has to happen, why does it have to be in our family again? This year was FINALLY going to be a year of fun for our family. We were going to TN to celebrate babies and birthdays and being together. We will still do that, Lord willing, but it will be without Jan. Without Joel. Mark. Steve. Phil. Jonathan, Jeremiah and David’s baby.  I’m sure other family members, like my mom and dad, won’t be able to come either because my dad is in the end stages of Alzheimer’s and my mom is his caretaker. Why are we always having to become accustomed to a new normal for our family? Trust me, it NEVER becomes normal when you have parts of you missing, even though we try.

Obviously, we have had many blessings as well, and we do count them. We treasure them. But, sometimes life hurts, too. It goes so completely different than we hoped or dreamed and knocks us down. We have to re-group. I guess I just don’t feel like re-grouping.
I don’t feel like trying to explain to others why holidays and reunions hurt the way they do. I don’t feel like being the one in groups of people that has the sad news to share, and yet, I don’t feel like wondering why people don’t recognize my life is altered again and why they don’t even show concern.  I don’t want to figure out what my new responsibilities are and then feel guilty when I can’t live up to them the way I should. I don't feel like feeling inadequate in the lives of those I love. 

I just want some fun. I want lightheartedness without the realization that one of us, if not all, are missing someone that isn’t there. I want lots of things that breathe joyful life into my bones, without the accompanying disappointment. (Like, enjoying my son's graduation, without wishing my brothers could celebrate with us and wish they could see how much he looks like them.)  I want to stop feeling insecure about the future. I want lots of things. I even want to stop wanting.

Okay, so, I get it.  Life is not about what I want.  I'm pretty aware of that fact. I’m just sad and was hoping for a new, different kind of chapter in our lives this year. (Remember, I’m in the tantrum feeling stage). I need just a moment to be heartsick without feeling strong. If you know me, you know that I am not doubting or distrusting God and neither do I need a pep talk of how life is hard and we all have hard things to go through. Right now, I'm just grieving the many aspects of hurt another death has caused and grieving for all those affected, especially for Jan's kids and grandkids. Healing is on it's way, but in the meantime this is what the Bible tells us, and I'm counting on it for all of us:
Psalm 34:18 (NIV) The LORD is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Because of this promise, I'll be okay. We'll all be okay.