Are Some Friends God Has Blessed You with, Unloveable?

I read this question today and I love it.

"How do you love the friends the Lord has put in your life, even if he or she may not be so loveable?" (Heidi St. John)

I love it because I am passionate about people and relationships and this is a question that we, as Christ followers, need to ask ourselves regularly. A number of times, I've seen people avoid each other and justify it by saying things like "Some people just don't get along"  or  "As long as we're polite, that's good enough" and various things that show they don't want the trouble of truly loving the difficult people in their lives. I get it - it's hard. I have found myself willing to throw in the towel at times.

But, friends and family aren't relationships to be ignored or thrown away. God allows certain people in our lives, people HE loves immensely, to give us an opportunity to grow and learn from those that are different from us. Years ago I found that a relationship I thought couldn't thrive, turned out wonderful because I was willing to view the other person as God does (It wasn't just me - I know the other person was gracious as we worked to understand each other). It was actually quite easy to be friends when we had the mind set that God wants every relationship to bear the fruit of the spirit. As a result of our efforts, God has used us to be a great encouragement to each other over the years. He knew all along the support and friendship He was willing to provide each of us, but we could have missed out on it by choosing to believe we knew better than He who is worthy of our friendship.

Of course, we choose our friends many times throughout our lives, but sometimes there are people chosen for us. We all have people that are part of our lives that we didn't choose to be there - but, there they are. Isn't building a relationship with those people a perfect opportunity to honor God? It honors God because it brings unity in believers and families. It honors God, because we are more like Him when we choose to love.

Sometimes we make the choice to love the unlovable friends we have, just to be hit with rejection. Obviously, not everyone is ready or willing to make this same choice, maybe not even realizing that this is an area of our lives God wants to use.
This makes it hard and sometimes I feel like saying it's okay to give up on loving this unlovable friend, except that God continues to have them in my life and I believe He expects me to love them whether it is returned or not.
Relationships aren't just for our enjoyment, but for our growth. They are the best opportunity we have to become more like Christ.
I am learning that it takes a willingness to die to self when you know you need to show love to someone where it won't be appreciated or reciprocated. Because it's hard to die to self, I don't always choose love. Sometimes I choose to avoid, instead. Sometimes I choose to be frustrated or hurt. But, when I choose to show kindness in the difficult times, I know I am pleasing God. I am acting more like Him and that is what makes choosing to love worth it.

I would love to hear how you show love to your unlovable friends. What things do you do? What things do you refrain from doing?  You can write in the comment box, the fb comments or message me.
Here are some things that I purposely do:  

I pray for me. I ask the Lord for a willingness to value each and every relationship He has placed in my life and for strength to put myself aside and do whatever He asks of me. If I don't do this, I start to fear rejection, get prideful and justify why I don't need difficult people in my life, and basically, I'll act like me, instead of Him.

I pray for the unlovable. It's hard to be critical of someone when God starts to show you that person the way He sees them. It also gives me a stronger desire to see the relationship grow.

I try to be nice. I don't believe in being fake - in fact, I hate it when people are superficial (they are usually more obvious than they think) - but, I look for ways to do or say something  genuinely nice to that person.  If I can't do it sincerely, I wait until I can.  They may not appreciate it, and it may even annoy them, but at least I know I am choosing to trust that God put this person in my life for a reason and I'm actively working on loving. (Proverbs 25:21-22)

The final thing I try to do (notice I say 'try') is to 'Let go and let God'. As long as my heart is right toward honoring the relationships God put in my life, then I can leave the rest up to Him. God won't force someone to trust His choices for them, but He is the One who can change hearts. Although, they may never change in their actions toward me, I am changing with every act of obedience to the Lord, so I can be happy with that and let Him worry about the rest.

I know satan does not want unity and love among believers, so he is good at trying to prove that working at these relationships is unnecessary. He tries to prove why the unlovable aren't worthy of our efforts. I have to guard myself (with prayer and scripture) against these thoughts, because I don't want to be like him. I want to be like Christ, who values a relationship with me, even though I am a sinner that He could deem unlovable. I am so thankful for His friendship, and all the loveable and loving friends He has given me, and all the difficult ones as well, because these are the things that draw me closer to Him.

I Always Have a Father

My cycle of thoughts this weekend and the processing of

I can't think of anyone who deserves to go Home more than my dad. I want that for him, because Christ has truly been his refuge, his strength, his best Friend, his Everything. The reunion awaiting him will be spectacular.
Beyond that, he will be with 5 of his sons again. He will see his daughter-in-law, his grandkids, his parents and siblings/siblings -in-law. He loved them all so deeply.
He has known much grief. He has faced much hardship. He has been betrayed. Through it all, he has clung with a tenacity that I marvel at to his belief in the goodness and perfectness of God. What a glorious day it will be for him to be with his Saviour!!

But, now that hospice believes he is in his last weeks, I've switched from wanting him to be free and I'm thinking, 'Whoa, hold on! Not so fast! I'm not ready to say good-bye!......I CAN'T DO THIS!!!!.'  
I'm SO grateful for having the best dad I can imagine and for all the years he poured into my life. I just selfishly want to hang on for more. I feel too young to be without a dad.
My heart starts racing throughout the day, breathing becomes quick and shallow. I'm trying to focus on finishing picture stuff, traveling, making work and school arrangements, and finding clothes for the future memorial that sounds like it's getting close. It feels like I've gone through these preparations a thousand times. It's been enough that it brings me anxiety, even though most people don't see that I get shaky and cold and nervous. This time will be a little different than the others - not better or worse - but different, because it's the first time I'll lose a father. My mind keeps racing with questions and even some fear:

Who's going to be there to pray for me when I so desperately need it? There's been so many times I've called him over the years.

Who's going to answer my questions about faith, the church, scripture and trials with the depth of experience and commitment my dad had?

Who's going to hug me as much as he did?

Who's going to tell me how nice I look? He always told me I looked 'sharp' and pretty and I think he and I talked about clothes more than my mom and I. He loved showing off any new tie or shirt he got.

Who's going to like my style as much as he and ask me to make things for him?

Who's going to bring me all kinds of garage sale stuff that I may or may not need?

Who's going to come help me with projects?

Who's going to remind me how much Nathan looks like Steve? He often said recently how much Nate reminded him of Steve at the same age.

Who's going to bring me treats when I don't feel good or run through Wendy's for a frosty with me just because we are out doing errands - of course, I had to promise not to tell mom he was cheating on his diet.

Who's going to stop by just because they want to have a few minutes to talk and see the kids?

Who's going to bring me all kinds of printed information that he thought I needed to know?

Who's going to pray daily for me (and the rest of our family) with the intensity and fervor that he did?

I've had to get used to some of these things being over already, due to living in separate states and his dementia of late, but saying goodbye for good is so......real.
I have these days where I'm afraid to not have my dad to turn to and I want to soak up more of his wisdom.

But, I DO have an answer to my questions.

Who's going to fill in for my dad? Well, no one can take his place, of course. And, while my mom actually did many of these things with my dad (and she won't stop), I know she and my dad would say what they've always said, either in words or actions -  God is your answer for everything.

Even though I am going to miss being my dad's only daughter and the special bond we had, I'm going to honor him by realizing I'm still going to be a daughter that will be loved and protected by a Father - I'm still a daughter of the King!!   God will never leave me without wisdom, comfort, love or any good thing I ask for. There is nothing my dad would ever want more than to know that I rely on God before any person, even himself. My dad has taught me a lot about this already and I will remember what he's shared with me, learn from his example and honor his legacy by relying on my Heavenly Father in the places I used to rely on my dad for.

I know that I will still feel hurt, and sometimes anxiety during this journey of losing my dad, but through it all, I'm not alone. I will try not to forget it in the stressed moments, even though satan will want me to feel that way at times. I will just have to focus on my dad being in Heaven - that's the best grief care I know. It's much harder to think of my loss when I know my loved ones are happy, free from pain and with their Lord!




Psalm 121:1 -2 “I lift up my eyes to the hills, where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, maker of heaven and earth.”

Isaiah 41:10“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” (NIV)

Deuteronomy 31:6“Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.” (ESV)

LIfe Unexpected

Life Unexpected. I decided that is going to be the name of my book.

Much of life is a surprise, isn't it? I can't even begin to list the expectations I had for life that did not work out as I thought. Sometimes that was a wonderful blessing. Other times that meant there were circumstances I didn't think I could bear.

In either case, the name of the Lord deserves praise. ( Ps.113:3)

Praising God has never been a problem when He has blessed me with undeserved gifts! And, I can say it's always been my goal when He's taken away things I treasure or believe I need. I have not always reached that goal, however. I wish I could say that I've chosen praise all the times I plead for answers instead, but I'm learning to do that more and more.

As I look ahead at my life, I'm wondering what expectations I'm still carrying. Do I expect to live a long life? Do I expect my kids or husband to live long lives? Do I expect we will never be jobless again? Or, to be financially secure? To always have a home? To keep all my limbs? To never be betrayed by people I trust? To always have freedom in our country? To have all my kids be college graduates? To avoid strife in my family?  I actually do expect these things and more - to a degree anyway. Clearly, I am still learning how to let go of my expectations.

I am not suggesting for a moment that creating expectations to live by is wrong. I expect my kids to live by the rules of our home, for example. What I have learned, though, is that people tend to expect things and then feel wronged when those things aren't fulfilled. At least, I sure do. When that happens, we forget to be thankful for all God has provided us. We think we deserve things that were never really promised to us. We forget our ultimate mission because we put our focus on ourselves.

Just one example I have of this is that I always believed I would have my family around. I knew there was a chance someone could die early, of course. After all, my first brother died before I was born and the other when I was 5, so I wasn't naïve to the possibility. It just never occurred to me that by the age of 43, I would only have one brother alive out of 6 and that my dad would be in the final stages of Alzheimer's disease.  I assumed they would always be around until we were all older, because that is generally the rule.
I don't think I should have contemplated who may be dying when I was younger, but I DO know that when they did die, I felt robbed.  I was shortchanged.  I deserved to have them around just like all my friends who have their siblings and get to continue to share holidays and special events with them, didn't I?

BUT, then I realized......I was never shortchanged at all. The truth was that I had been given the blessing of a large family.  I had been unaware that it would change so drastically, but it was still a gift - not a right that was taken from me.   I'm not exactly speaking of the concept of just being grateful for what we had even though lives were cut short, but the shift in vision that allows me to see that we didn't lose out at all. This was God's story for our lives and it was different than I thought, but we were incredibly blessed to have what we had. I much prefer having all those brothers for part of my life than for none of it.  In fact, for all I know, God could have extended their time with us because of our prayers.
That doesn't mean that I miss my loved ones any less. My heart hurts when I'm wanting them here, I grieve when it's obvious they are missing, especially when a major life event is happening. I don't say that so anyone will feel sorry for me, just to acknowledge that grief is part of life and I'm not denying that it's there.

God cleared what was a distorted view on my part and gave me new perspective. Maybe this is more of an internal thing on  my part, and maybe it's not a need most people face --  that of releasing their expectations. But, I did need it. I remember pleading with God to help me be happy for those around me that still had their whole families intact (to even be happy for those that weren't building relationships within their families & didn't seem to realize the blessing they could have), because I would feel jealous and like my close family deserved to be together more than those kinds of families. God answered my prayer with the realizations I've talked about here and has buried the temptation to become bitter under the ocean floor.

Surrendering my rights and expectations of everything in my life will be a battle I will fight until the day I die, I'm sure, but my daily prayer to God is this:  "I don't know what You are going to give or take away today (and it scares me a little). It may seem You are taking away things that I should have been able to count on (can I please count on keeping Tim for a regular life span since he's the last brother left? and for that matter, everyone else in the family?) ....but, You had the right to give me the life You did and I am surrendering my right to plan it, envision the future and think I deserve more. I just thank You for everything You have given me and will treasure all the blessings until my time with them is up."    

"Though He slay me, yet will I hope in Him..." Job 13:15

It Should Have Been Just Another Day

I was having lunch with the student leader of my Freshman TF class when I got the call. It’s hard enough to be in a busy, college dining room with the trouble my eye and ear have been giving me since the concussion, so I let the call go, knowing it would hurt to try to hear a phone conversation and figuring that it would just be an update since we didn’t talk the day before. I actually felt a little uncomfortable waiting to call back, but I thought I was being silly. I would just call right when I left the lunch room. Then I got a text saying I needed to call. ASAP.

I knew what that meant.

I excused myself from the student, but I didn’t want to call Sarah back. How many times have I received a phone call like that? I knew what was coming and I didn’t want any more of it. Of course, in the seconds of making a return call like that,  logic tried to step in and say that things were going so well that there’s no reason to believe anything went wrong. Logic said that I just get anxious easily because of previous events. Logic tried so hard to overrule, but my heart knew. 

As soon as I heard Sarah’s voice, my fears were confirmed. I started heading out the door. Then she said the words “…..she became immediately unresponsive. They worked on her for an hour but couldn’t revive her.”  I started crying as I was weaving in and out of the tables and didn’t know what to do with myself. I’ve been so weak and dizzy the last couple of months that my balance wasn’t holding up well with this shock, so I stumbled over to the windows and sat on the floor. Don’t ask me why – I have no idea what I was doing, I just knew I had to sit. I was slightly aware that I was receiving curious looks.

I had to make sure I heard right. I said, “You are saying that we lost her, too?”  She said yes.

All I could picture was Jan without her husband by her side, fighting for her life and 4 young adults in a hospital reliving an event they shouldn’t have had to go through even once.  You see, my nieces and nephews had already lost their dad, my brother, a few years ago.  Now, very unexpectedly, their mother was diagnosed with a leaky valve in her heart and within the week had surgery to fix it. Surgery had gone well, the doctor’s said. Jan was up and even having breakfast less than 2 days later. She evidently had a blood clot that stopped her heart immediately, according to the nurses and doctors that were with her.

I ended up making my way to my office, with students and staff stopping to give me hugs on the way, knowing something had to be very wrong in my world.  When I got there, Scott, Ryan and Steven prayed with me and were so comforting. Minga came over and stayed with me for a while and prayed with me. I have some amazing friends at CU and an amazing God that provides for His children when they are in shock and hurt. He has never let us down. Like I said, we've done this before.

By now, I pretty much have the drill down:

-Lose someone I love before they have a chance to get old.                                                                   -Feel shock that God would actually take another of my parents’ children (in this case, another   parent from my nieces and nephews).                                                                                                    -Grieve for my parents, grieve for the spouse or children left behind, grieve for myself and my husband and kids.                                                                                                                                      -Choose. Choose to remember God DOES love us immensely. God DOES know what’s happening and cares. God WILL take care of us that are left behind. God CAN be trusted. Choose to know that I am NOT necessarily the next one on the list to die. 

But, I’m going to be honest here. This is the first time I feel like throwing an out and out tantrum. If I wasn’t so tired, I just might. Please forgive me for thinking this, but ... isn’t it time for someone else’s family to grieve? Don't get me wrong, I truly don't want anyone else to feel pain. But if something has to happen, why does it have to be in our family again? This year was FINALLY going to be a year of fun for our family. We were going to TN to celebrate babies and birthdays and being together. We will still do that, Lord willing, but it will be without Jan. Without Joel. Mark. Steve. Phil. Jonathan, Jeremiah and David’s baby.  I’m sure other family members, like my mom and dad, won’t be able to come either because my dad is in the end stages of Alzheimer’s and my mom is his caretaker. Why are we always having to become accustomed to a new normal for our family? Trust me, it NEVER becomes normal when you have parts of you missing, even though we try.

Obviously, we have had many blessings as well, and we do count them. We treasure them. But, sometimes life hurts, too. It goes so completely different than we hoped or dreamed and knocks us down. We have to re-group. I guess I just don’t feel like re-grouping.
I don’t feel like trying to explain to others why holidays and reunions hurt the way they do. I don’t feel like being the one in groups of people that has the sad news to share, and yet, I don’t feel like wondering why people don’t recognize my life is altered again and why they don’t even show concern.  I don’t want to figure out what my new responsibilities are and then feel guilty when I can’t live up to them the way I should. I don't feel like feeling inadequate in the lives of those I love. 

I just want some fun. I want lightheartedness without the realization that one of us, if not all, are missing someone that isn’t there. I want lots of things that breathe joyful life into my bones, without the accompanying disappointment. (Like, enjoying my son's graduation, without wishing my brothers could celebrate with us and wish they could see how much he looks like them.)  I want to stop feeling insecure about the future. I want lots of things. I even want to stop wanting.

Okay, so, I get it.  Life is not about what I want.  I'm pretty aware of that fact. I’m just sad and was hoping for a new, different kind of chapter in our lives this year. (Remember, I’m in the tantrum feeling stage). I need just a moment to be heartsick without feeling strong. If you know me, you know that I am not doubting or distrusting God and neither do I need a pep talk of how life is hard and we all have hard things to go through. Right now, I'm just grieving the many aspects of hurt another death has caused and grieving for all those affected, especially for Jan's kids and grandkids. Healing is on it's way, but in the meantime this is what the Bible tells us, and I'm counting on it for all of us:
Psalm 34:18 (NIV) The LORD is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Because of this promise, I'll be okay. We'll all be okay.

 

 

Are You Always Happy With Those Who Are Happy?

Romans 12:15 Be happy with those who are happy and weep with those who weep.


It would be nice if this verse went on to say that we only have to be happy with those who are happy, when it's fair.  Wouldn't that be much easier?

Some days I have a hard time rejoicing with others, if I am being totally honest. (And, it's hard to grow without honesty, so I'll just admit it.)  I don't often have a problem with being happy for the people in my life, but sometimes I am frustrated that those whom I have rejoiced with, have not done the same for me. Therefore, I can struggle to continue sharing in their happiness.
I am talking about the kind of person that does not share in your life due to jealousies or insecurities or something out of your control. The ones that are quick to be happy with others in front of you, but not you. It's knowing that it is purposeful that makes it hard. I am sure you understand what I mean, although I would guess your experience with this would have been in high school, rather than adulthood. At least, I hope so. 

This has also been the case when it comes to feeling sorrow with others who haven't been there for me when it's my turn. I have listened with care to the trials or even just complaints of others, but sometimes feel as if what I get in return is judgememt, if anything at all, when I am hurting. Unfortunately, people can be quick to assume you have done something wrong if you are undergoing trials, even if they are Christians. Or, they don't want to share in your grief because it is uncomfortable or possibly even selfish.

There are a couple of things I know I must do when I don't feel like obeying the scriptures, and I know I better do it quickly before I give bitterness a chance to take hold. 


I have to take those feelings to God. I know He understands unfairness, and all forms of rejection. I know He is my best friend, and even though He wants His people to do these things, He cares, too and will always be there for me. I also know He is the One who can change my heart to have the right attitude when I would rather act poorly.

Then, I just have to obey. It's important to keep voicing, whether it is in writing or in person, my happiness for others. Maybe they don't need it from me, even, but I am going to choose to be happy with those that are happy. And, I am going to share in other's sorrows without judging the reasons sorrow may be in their life. I will be available to be used by God whenever He wants to use me. I will do it even when the only one that notices is God. Maybe it's not always appropriate or necessary to do or say something physically, but I know it's important to be intentional.


I really can't stop there, though - I need to do some soul searching. Am I neglecting to be happy or weep with anyone whom I should be? Have I done the same thing to other's that has hurt me?
Of course, we are all going to miss times to share in each others rejoicing or sorrow since we can't always be on top of everything, but am I allowing that to happen on a consistent basis?
How many times have I been wrapped up in my own busyness or stress that I haven't seen where I could be another friend or family member to share in their life?
How many times have I let a lack of resources stop me from doing anything at all? Or, rather, how often have I let embarrassment of what little I have to offer to someone when they should be congratulated, or when they are hurting, stop me from sharing happiness and sorrow?

I don't know the answers to these questions, but I do know I want to be more alert to these commands from God. We all need to be noticing what is going on in the lives of those around us. The more we work on paying attention, we train our minds to be on the alert, and when our minds are alert they are urging us to reach out to others and/or to pray for others.

I thank God that I do have the many friends and loved ones that I do. I am so incredibly grateful that they rejoice with me and weep with me through life, and that those who have chose not to are not many. It is so meaningful when those that do are so proud of my kids' accomplishments, or when they take the time to ask and listen about the loved ones I am grieving.
Much of that happens through facebook, email, cards, etc...  sometimes it's person to person with words, laughter, hugs or tears...  whichever form it takes, it's wonderful, and of course, God planned it that way.

What are ways you rejoice or weep with others? Have you had any of the same experiences as I? Leave a comment and share how you reflect this verse, or how it has impacted your life.

Connecting

Why do we write on facebook walls or go to grave sites to talk to our loved ones that are dead? We know they are unable to receive our words, but we still have this urge to connect....to try...

I remember my mom crying out to God after my brother Philip died, wishing she could talk to Phil again. Our family had just moved to Florida from Illinois 4 weeks previously, and Phil, who was 16, went spear fishing with our cousin Jimmy. He got sick very quickly after that, and went in to a coma. It was determined that bacteria from the pond got in his system and he died from encephalitis. My parents did not have a chance to really say good bye to him.

My mom told me that when she was crying out to God all the things she wished she could tell Phillip, she heard or sensed God say she could tell him herself.
She said that moment was unlike any she has ever had before or since, but she felt an unexplained opening to talk to Philip. So, she did. She told him she loved  him and told him how he had been a wonderful gift from God to her and my dad. I am awed that God loves his children so much, and cares so much for a mother's heart, that He would provide that moment for her.  It makes me think of Luke 7:13 where Jesus’ heart was filled with compassion for the widow who lost her son and He said, ‘Don’t weep!’.  He then raised that boy up. Such love that He has for those that grieve! (How he must have grieved for His own mother who had to watch Him suffer.)

God knows the loss we are experiencing and that we need the closure of connecting with that loved one again. Learning to live life differently due to a loss takes time and the way we cope with that can look different from person to person, but it’s normal to want to talk to your loved one and I think that is ok.


Maybe God even gives our loved ones a glimpse of the things we want to share J




Joel, remember how the changing of the seasons brings about new waves of grief? Well, we are having an early spring this year, and as wonderful as that is, it's bringing thoughts and feelings I don't want. I've never had a spring without you here, and now that is something to get used to. We have to have an open house this spring for Alan who will have to do without another uncle there. It just stinks, and every other time we would feel like that, you were here to grieve with us. I know you fought hard to stay with us and I am proud of your tenacity and strength of the past year, but I don't like that you had to leave us. God is continually drawing us closer to Him, though, and I hope you have the ability to know that everyone is coping in healthy ways and relying on God. I wish you were here to help with dad...it's hard to have basically lost him at the same time as you, and very hard to see mom have to care for his needs so much, without the benefit of his gratefulness, personality or friendship anymore. I do hope, though, that he is reunited with you boys soon, so he is not tormented by this dementia for long. I wish I knew exactly what heaven is like for you, Steve, Mark, Phil, Jonathon, Jeremiah, and Aunt Vicki, Uncle Art, Aunt Dorothy, Uncle Wally....are you guys having heavenly volleyball games? Football games? Rook tournaments? Is there a lot of joking and laughing like our earthly reunions? Does Mark have a baby in his arms at all times? Do you talk about your amazing kids to each other and how strong your wives are? What was it like to meet your second son? Do you share with Mark's mom all about our kids that she never had a chance to know? Remember talking about Isaac, Mark's and my nephew on his side? I know for a fact that you would want to be playing basketball with him, since you both love the game. I wonder if the coach in you would surface. :)   I wonder if he's showing you how to skate. Isn't he an amazing kids?! I know Heaven is much different than just an upgraded earth, but I hope all the incredible experience of it is shared with these loved ones. Even more than that, I cannot begin to imagine being in God's presence and the joy you all felt when rescued from your earthly bodies. You would probably say my imaginings are so amateur and, my questions limitless. Does God explain why all of you were taken so early in life or do you just immediately understand His plans? Or, do you even know yet?Have you met Job and Stephen? And, do you even know that they are the first 2 men of the Bible I want to meet and can you tell them for me that their stories have made a difference in my life? I wonder about a lot of things when it comes to saints and heaven, but I mostly just miss you all. Somehow, this new season is going to be about beautiful things and moving forward and hope.....I just wish it didn't have to feel so lonely, too. I wish you could hear me say 'I love you', but I know you know. Your Sister, Rachie-pooh  (I found out that this well used nickname was what you used in your phone contacts for me - I really should find George from the 2nd grade and thank him for my lifelong nickname :) )