Are Some Friends God Has Blessed You with, Unloveable?

I read this question today and I love it.

"How do you love the friends the Lord has put in your life, even if he or she may not be so loveable?" (Heidi St. John)

I love it because I am passionate about people and relationships and this is a question that we, as Christ followers, need to ask ourselves regularly. A number of times, I've seen people avoid each other and justify it by saying things like "Some people just don't get along"  or  "As long as we're polite, that's good enough" and various things that show they don't want the trouble of truly loving the difficult people in their lives. I get it - it's hard. I have found myself willing to throw in the towel at times.

But, friends and family aren't relationships to be ignored or thrown away. God allows certain people in our lives, people HE loves immensely, to give us an opportunity to grow and learn from those that are different from us. Years ago I found that a relationship I thought couldn't thrive, turned out wonderful because I was willing to view the other person as God does (It wasn't just me - I know the other person was gracious as we worked to understand each other). It was actually quite easy to be friends when we had the mind set that God wants every relationship to bear the fruit of the spirit. As a result of our efforts, God has used us to be a great encouragement to each other over the years. He knew all along the support and friendship He was willing to provide each of us, but we could have missed out on it by choosing to believe we knew better than He who is worthy of our friendship.

Of course, we choose our friends many times throughout our lives, but sometimes there are people chosen for us. We all have people that are part of our lives that we didn't choose to be there - but, there they are. Isn't building a relationship with those people a perfect opportunity to honor God? It honors God because it brings unity in believers and families. It honors God, because we are more like Him when we choose to love.

Sometimes we make the choice to love the unlovable friends we have, just to be hit with rejection. Obviously, not everyone is ready or willing to make this same choice, maybe not even realizing that this is an area of our lives God wants to use.
This makes it hard and sometimes I feel like saying it's okay to give up on loving this unlovable friend, except that God continues to have them in my life and I believe He expects me to love them whether it is returned or not.
Relationships aren't just for our enjoyment, but for our growth. They are the best opportunity we have to become more like Christ.
I am learning that it takes a willingness to die to self when you know you need to show love to someone where it won't be appreciated or reciprocated. Because it's hard to die to self, I don't always choose love. Sometimes I choose to avoid, instead. Sometimes I choose to be frustrated or hurt. But, when I choose to show kindness in the difficult times, I know I am pleasing God. I am acting more like Him and that is what makes choosing to love worth it.

I would love to hear how you show love to your unlovable friends. What things do you do? What things do you refrain from doing?  You can write in the comment box, the fb comments or message me.
Here are some things that I purposely do:  

I pray for me. I ask the Lord for a willingness to value each and every relationship He has placed in my life and for strength to put myself aside and do whatever He asks of me. If I don't do this, I start to fear rejection, get prideful and justify why I don't need difficult people in my life, and basically, I'll act like me, instead of Him.

I pray for the unlovable. It's hard to be critical of someone when God starts to show you that person the way He sees them. It also gives me a stronger desire to see the relationship grow.

I try to be nice. I don't believe in being fake - in fact, I hate it when people are superficial (they are usually more obvious than they think) - but, I look for ways to do or say something  genuinely nice to that person.  If I can't do it sincerely, I wait until I can.  They may not appreciate it, and it may even annoy them, but at least I know I am choosing to trust that God put this person in my life for a reason and I'm actively working on loving. (Proverbs 25:21-22)

The final thing I try to do (notice I say 'try') is to 'Let go and let God'. As long as my heart is right toward honoring the relationships God put in my life, then I can leave the rest up to Him. God won't force someone to trust His choices for them, but He is the One who can change hearts. Although, they may never change in their actions toward me, I am changing with every act of obedience to the Lord, so I can be happy with that and let Him worry about the rest.

I know satan does not want unity and love among believers, so he is good at trying to prove that working at these relationships is unnecessary. He tries to prove why the unlovable aren't worthy of our efforts. I have to guard myself (with prayer and scripture) against these thoughts, because I don't want to be like him. I want to be like Christ, who values a relationship with me, even though I am a sinner that He could deem unlovable. I am so thankful for His friendship, and all the loveable and loving friends He has given me, and all the difficult ones as well, because these are the things that draw me closer to Him.

I Always Have a Father

My cycle of thoughts this weekend and the processing of

I can't think of anyone who deserves to go Home more than my dad. I want that for him, because Christ has truly been his refuge, his strength, his best Friend, his Everything. The reunion awaiting him will be spectacular.
Beyond that, he will be with 5 of his sons again. He will see his daughter-in-law, his grandkids, his parents and siblings/siblings -in-law. He loved them all so deeply.
He has known much grief. He has faced much hardship. He has been betrayed. Through it all, he has clung with a tenacity that I marvel at to his belief in the goodness and perfectness of God. What a glorious day it will be for him to be with his Saviour!!

But, now that hospice believes he is in his last weeks, I've switched from wanting him to be free and I'm thinking, 'Whoa, hold on! Not so fast! I'm not ready to say good-bye!......I CAN'T DO THIS!!!!.'  
I'm SO grateful for having the best dad I can imagine and for all the years he poured into my life. I just selfishly want to hang on for more. I feel too young to be without a dad.
My heart starts racing throughout the day, breathing becomes quick and shallow. I'm trying to focus on finishing picture stuff, traveling, making work and school arrangements, and finding clothes for the future memorial that sounds like it's getting close. It feels like I've gone through these preparations a thousand times. It's been enough that it brings me anxiety, even though most people don't see that I get shaky and cold and nervous. This time will be a little different than the others - not better or worse - but different, because it's the first time I'll lose a father. My mind keeps racing with questions and even some fear:

Who's going to be there to pray for me when I so desperately need it? There's been so many times I've called him over the years.

Who's going to answer my questions about faith, the church, scripture and trials with the depth of experience and commitment my dad had?

Who's going to hug me as much as he did?

Who's going to tell me how nice I look? He always told me I looked 'sharp' and pretty and I think he and I talked about clothes more than my mom and I. He loved showing off any new tie or shirt he got.

Who's going to like my style as much as he and ask me to make things for him?

Who's going to bring me all kinds of garage sale stuff that I may or may not need?

Who's going to come help me with projects?

Who's going to remind me how much Nathan looks like Steve? He often said recently how much Nate reminded him of Steve at the same age.

Who's going to bring me treats when I don't feel good or run through Wendy's for a frosty with me just because we are out doing errands - of course, I had to promise not to tell mom he was cheating on his diet.

Who's going to stop by just because they want to have a few minutes to talk and see the kids?

Who's going to bring me all kinds of printed information that he thought I needed to know?

Who's going to pray daily for me (and the rest of our family) with the intensity and fervor that he did?

I've had to get used to some of these things being over already, due to living in separate states and his dementia of late, but saying goodbye for good is so......real.
I have these days where I'm afraid to not have my dad to turn to and I want to soak up more of his wisdom.

But, I DO have an answer to my questions.

Who's going to fill in for my dad? Well, no one can take his place, of course. And, while my mom actually did many of these things with my dad (and she won't stop), I know she and my dad would say what they've always said, either in words or actions -  God is your answer for everything.

Even though I am going to miss being my dad's only daughter and the special bond we had, I'm going to honor him by realizing I'm still going to be a daughter that will be loved and protected by a Father - I'm still a daughter of the King!!   God will never leave me without wisdom, comfort, love or any good thing I ask for. There is nothing my dad would ever want more than to know that I rely on God before any person, even himself. My dad has taught me a lot about this already and I will remember what he's shared with me, learn from his example and honor his legacy by relying on my Heavenly Father in the places I used to rely on my dad for.

I know that I will still feel hurt, and sometimes anxiety during this journey of losing my dad, but through it all, I'm not alone. I will try not to forget it in the stressed moments, even though satan will want me to feel that way at times. I will just have to focus on my dad being in Heaven - that's the best grief care I know. It's much harder to think of my loss when I know my loved ones are happy, free from pain and with their Lord!




Psalm 121:1 -2 “I lift up my eyes to the hills, where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, maker of heaven and earth.”

Isaiah 41:10“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” (NIV)

Deuteronomy 31:6“Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.” (ESV)

LIfe Unexpected

Life Unexpected. I decided that is going to be the name of my book.

Much of life is a surprise, isn't it? I can't even begin to list the expectations I had for life that did not work out as I thought. Sometimes that was a wonderful blessing. Other times that meant there were circumstances I didn't think I could bear.

In either case, the name of the Lord deserves praise. ( Ps.113:3)

Praising God has never been a problem when He has blessed me with undeserved gifts! And, I can say it's always been my goal when He's taken away things I treasure or believe I need. I have not always reached that goal, however. I wish I could say that I've chosen praise all the times I plead for answers instead, but I'm learning to do that more and more.

As I look ahead at my life, I'm wondering what expectations I'm still carrying. Do I expect to live a long life? Do I expect my kids or husband to live long lives? Do I expect we will never be jobless again? Or, to be financially secure? To always have a home? To keep all my limbs? To never be betrayed by people I trust? To always have freedom in our country? To have all my kids be college graduates? To avoid strife in my family?  I actually do expect these things and more - to a degree anyway. Clearly, I am still learning how to let go of my expectations.

I am not suggesting for a moment that creating expectations to live by is wrong. I expect my kids to live by the rules of our home, for example. What I have learned, though, is that people tend to expect things and then feel wronged when those things aren't fulfilled. At least, I sure do. When that happens, we forget to be thankful for all God has provided us. We think we deserve things that were never really promised to us. We forget our ultimate mission because we put our focus on ourselves.

Just one example I have of this is that I always believed I would have my family around. I knew there was a chance someone could die early, of course. After all, my first brother died before I was born and the other when I was 5, so I wasn't naïve to the possibility. It just never occurred to me that by the age of 43, I would only have one brother alive out of 6 and that my dad would be in the final stages of Alzheimer's disease.  I assumed they would always be around until we were all older, because that is generally the rule.
I don't think I should have contemplated who may be dying when I was younger, but I DO know that when they did die, I felt robbed.  I was shortchanged.  I deserved to have them around just like all my friends who have their siblings and get to continue to share holidays and special events with them, didn't I?

BUT, then I realized......I was never shortchanged at all. The truth was that I had been given the blessing of a large family.  I had been unaware that it would change so drastically, but it was still a gift - not a right that was taken from me.   I'm not exactly speaking of the concept of just being grateful for what we had even though lives were cut short, but the shift in vision that allows me to see that we didn't lose out at all. This was God's story for our lives and it was different than I thought, but we were incredibly blessed to have what we had. I much prefer having all those brothers for part of my life than for none of it.  In fact, for all I know, God could have extended their time with us because of our prayers.
That doesn't mean that I miss my loved ones any less. My heart hurts when I'm wanting them here, I grieve when it's obvious they are missing, especially when a major life event is happening. I don't say that so anyone will feel sorry for me, just to acknowledge that grief is part of life and I'm not denying that it's there.

God cleared what was a distorted view on my part and gave me new perspective. Maybe this is more of an internal thing on  my part, and maybe it's not a need most people face --  that of releasing their expectations. But, I did need it. I remember pleading with God to help me be happy for those around me that still had their whole families intact (to even be happy for those that weren't building relationships within their families & didn't seem to realize the blessing they could have), because I would feel jealous and like my close family deserved to be together more than those kinds of families. God answered my prayer with the realizations I've talked about here and has buried the temptation to become bitter under the ocean floor.

Surrendering my rights and expectations of everything in my life will be a battle I will fight until the day I die, I'm sure, but my daily prayer to God is this:  "I don't know what You are going to give or take away today (and it scares me a little). It may seem You are taking away things that I should have been able to count on (can I please count on keeping Tim for a regular life span since he's the last brother left? and for that matter, everyone else in the family?) ....but, You had the right to give me the life You did and I am surrendering my right to plan it, envision the future and think I deserve more. I just thank You for everything You have given me and will treasure all the blessings until my time with them is up."    

"Though He slay me, yet will I hope in Him..." Job 13:15

It Should Have Been Just Another Day

I was having lunch with the student leader of my Freshman TF class when I got the call. It’s hard enough to be in a busy, college dining room with the trouble my eye and ear have been giving me since the concussion, so I let the call go, knowing it would hurt to try to hear a phone conversation and figuring that it would just be an update since we didn’t talk the day before. I actually felt a little uncomfortable waiting to call back, but I thought I was being silly. I would just call right when I left the lunch room. Then I got a text saying I needed to call. ASAP.

I knew what that meant.

I excused myself from the student, but I didn’t want to call Sarah back. How many times have I received a phone call like that? I knew what was coming and I didn’t want any more of it. Of course, in the seconds of making a return call like that,  logic tried to step in and say that things were going so well that there’s no reason to believe anything went wrong. Logic said that I just get anxious easily because of previous events. Logic tried so hard to overrule, but my heart knew. 

As soon as I heard Sarah’s voice, my fears were confirmed. I started heading out the door. Then she said the words “…..she became immediately unresponsive. They worked on her for an hour but couldn’t revive her.”  I started crying as I was weaving in and out of the tables and didn’t know what to do with myself. I’ve been so weak and dizzy the last couple of months that my balance wasn’t holding up well with this shock, so I stumbled over to the windows and sat on the floor. Don’t ask me why – I have no idea what I was doing, I just knew I had to sit. I was slightly aware that I was receiving curious looks.

I had to make sure I heard right. I said, “You are saying that we lost her, too?”  She said yes.

All I could picture was Jan without her husband by her side, fighting for her life and 4 young adults in a hospital reliving an event they shouldn’t have had to go through even once.  You see, my nieces and nephews had already lost their dad, my brother, a few years ago.  Now, very unexpectedly, their mother was diagnosed with a leaky valve in her heart and within the week had surgery to fix it. Surgery had gone well, the doctor’s said. Jan was up and even having breakfast less than 2 days later. She evidently had a blood clot that stopped her heart immediately, according to the nurses and doctors that were with her.

I ended up making my way to my office, with students and staff stopping to give me hugs on the way, knowing something had to be very wrong in my world.  When I got there, Scott, Ryan and Steven prayed with me and were so comforting. Minga came over and stayed with me for a while and prayed with me. I have some amazing friends at CU and an amazing God that provides for His children when they are in shock and hurt. He has never let us down. Like I said, we've done this before.

By now, I pretty much have the drill down:

-Lose someone I love before they have a chance to get old.                                                                   -Feel shock that God would actually take another of my parents’ children (in this case, another   parent from my nieces and nephews).                                                                                                    -Grieve for my parents, grieve for the spouse or children left behind, grieve for myself and my husband and kids.                                                                                                                                      -Choose. Choose to remember God DOES love us immensely. God DOES know what’s happening and cares. God WILL take care of us that are left behind. God CAN be trusted. Choose to know that I am NOT necessarily the next one on the list to die. 

But, I’m going to be honest here. This is the first time I feel like throwing an out and out tantrum. If I wasn’t so tired, I just might. Please forgive me for thinking this, but ... isn’t it time for someone else’s family to grieve? Don't get me wrong, I truly don't want anyone else to feel pain. But if something has to happen, why does it have to be in our family again? This year was FINALLY going to be a year of fun for our family. We were going to TN to celebrate babies and birthdays and being together. We will still do that, Lord willing, but it will be without Jan. Without Joel. Mark. Steve. Phil. Jonathan, Jeremiah and David’s baby.  I’m sure other family members, like my mom and dad, won’t be able to come either because my dad is in the end stages of Alzheimer’s and my mom is his caretaker. Why are we always having to become accustomed to a new normal for our family? Trust me, it NEVER becomes normal when you have parts of you missing, even though we try.

Obviously, we have had many blessings as well, and we do count them. We treasure them. But, sometimes life hurts, too. It goes so completely different than we hoped or dreamed and knocks us down. We have to re-group. I guess I just don’t feel like re-grouping.
I don’t feel like trying to explain to others why holidays and reunions hurt the way they do. I don’t feel like being the one in groups of people that has the sad news to share, and yet, I don’t feel like wondering why people don’t recognize my life is altered again and why they don’t even show concern.  I don’t want to figure out what my new responsibilities are and then feel guilty when I can’t live up to them the way I should. I don't feel like feeling inadequate in the lives of those I love. 

I just want some fun. I want lightheartedness without the realization that one of us, if not all, are missing someone that isn’t there. I want lots of things that breathe joyful life into my bones, without the accompanying disappointment. (Like, enjoying my son's graduation, without wishing my brothers could celebrate with us and wish they could see how much he looks like them.)  I want to stop feeling insecure about the future. I want lots of things. I even want to stop wanting.

Okay, so, I get it.  Life is not about what I want.  I'm pretty aware of that fact. I’m just sad and was hoping for a new, different kind of chapter in our lives this year. (Remember, I’m in the tantrum feeling stage). I need just a moment to be heartsick without feeling strong. If you know me, you know that I am not doubting or distrusting God and neither do I need a pep talk of how life is hard and we all have hard things to go through. Right now, I'm just grieving the many aspects of hurt another death has caused and grieving for all those affected, especially for Jan's kids and grandkids. Healing is on it's way, but in the meantime this is what the Bible tells us, and I'm counting on it for all of us:
Psalm 34:18 (NIV) The LORD is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Because of this promise, I'll be okay. We'll all be okay.

 

 

Here I Go....with shaky knees

I haven’t written for awhile. What do I have to say, anyway? I mostly write for myself so I can process thoughts. I feel better when I write because it captures a memory. Or, expresses joy. Or, relieves pain. Sometimes, though, there is SO much going on, I don't even know how to put it all into words.

But, I have been hearing a repetitive message the past few months. A number of people have asked when I am going to continue with my blog, and have been saying 'You need to write a book!'.  Wow! That's pretty cool, but I've been feeling apprehensive. A book? That's a little daunting. What would my theme be? Our experiences or lessons learned have been all over the place, not just in one moving story to share like so many people have.  And, my blog? It seems all I have to write about are the never ending mountains we have to scale. I want to be witty and fun! I want to write about all kinds of amazing things I get to do. But, I am not especially witty and I haven't accomplished some incredible feat, so what do I say?  

With some insistent urging from Mark and Allyson, also, I asked God the questions I thought I already knew the answer to:   "Could you really want to use the little I have to offer? I know You can use anything, but do You really want to use me? There are a lot of other people with more fantastical stories and things to share than I!". My prayers have gone on to remind God that I haven't even had the mental energy to write lately, and when I do, it's not very good so I have to throw it out. I let Him know that people can be judgmental when they read about others and I don't like to be judged. I remind him that others are better story tellers. And, what about a happy ending all books seem to have? I am not ready to portray that I have everything fixed in my life, because I don't think I ever will if I am continually growing in Christ. These were my arguments.

And, what has He said? Well, on a daily basis I hear a whispering in my heart to start sharing. I have given Him my doubts each time, but He continues to impress thoughts, stirring up a desire in me. He has been telling me softly, as well as clearly through people in my life, what He wants me to do.

I wonder why? Is it just because it can be therapeutic and He knows just how much I could use a little therapy? :)  Is He going to use it to teach me new lessons? Is He going to use it to help others? Will I ever know the answer? Maybe not, but as we all know, when God tells us to do something, our response can’t be determined on seeing the end result. Where is the faith and trust in that? I am not particularly great at trusting, though, because I can see several ways where the venture I am going to go on could really end up being difficult if those that read what I have to offer reject it or don’t understand. My truth this year has been this, though: ‘God is my best friend, He is all I need’.  I’ve had a number of things taken away and have had to hang on to that. I am pretty young still, and I still have a lot to lose, and if my path continues like it has, I know I still have my Protector, Best Friend, Father, Joy and all I will ever need. So, I can obey Him, and know that whatever trepidations I have or realities that come to pass won’t really matter because He holds me tightly and I cling to Him.

So, here I go. Please pray for me. If nothing else, I am learning a lesson in trust and obedience here. If a lot of people continue to read my blog, then it’s important that I say what God intends. I am struggling a bit with some of the things I believe God may be prompting me to talk about (at some point on this journey), and I find that my authentic nature is being challenged. I guess you’ll see what I mean if you keep reading……    

Rachel

Are You Always Happy With Those Who Are Happy?

Romans 12:15 Be happy with those who are happy and weep with those who weep.


It would be nice if this verse went on to say that we only have to be happy with those who are happy, when it's fair.  Wouldn't that be much easier?

Some days I have a hard time rejoicing with others, if I am being totally honest. (And, it's hard to grow without honesty, so I'll just admit it.)  I don't often have a problem with being happy for the people in my life, but sometimes I am frustrated that those whom I have rejoiced with, have not done the same for me. Therefore, I can struggle to continue sharing in their happiness.
I am talking about the kind of person that does not share in your life due to jealousies or insecurities or something out of your control. The ones that are quick to be happy with others in front of you, but not you. It's knowing that it is purposeful that makes it hard. I am sure you understand what I mean, although I would guess your experience with this would have been in high school, rather than adulthood. At least, I hope so. 

This has also been the case when it comes to feeling sorrow with others who haven't been there for me when it's my turn. I have listened with care to the trials or even just complaints of others, but sometimes feel as if what I get in return is judgememt, if anything at all, when I am hurting. Unfortunately, people can be quick to assume you have done something wrong if you are undergoing trials, even if they are Christians. Or, they don't want to share in your grief because it is uncomfortable or possibly even selfish.

There are a couple of things I know I must do when I don't feel like obeying the scriptures, and I know I better do it quickly before I give bitterness a chance to take hold. 


I have to take those feelings to God. I know He understands unfairness, and all forms of rejection. I know He is my best friend, and even though He wants His people to do these things, He cares, too and will always be there for me. I also know He is the One who can change my heart to have the right attitude when I would rather act poorly.

Then, I just have to obey. It's important to keep voicing, whether it is in writing or in person, my happiness for others. Maybe they don't need it from me, even, but I am going to choose to be happy with those that are happy. And, I am going to share in other's sorrows without judging the reasons sorrow may be in their life. I will be available to be used by God whenever He wants to use me. I will do it even when the only one that notices is God. Maybe it's not always appropriate or necessary to do or say something physically, but I know it's important to be intentional.


I really can't stop there, though - I need to do some soul searching. Am I neglecting to be happy or weep with anyone whom I should be? Have I done the same thing to other's that has hurt me?
Of course, we are all going to miss times to share in each others rejoicing or sorrow since we can't always be on top of everything, but am I allowing that to happen on a consistent basis?
How many times have I been wrapped up in my own busyness or stress that I haven't seen where I could be another friend or family member to share in their life?
How many times have I let a lack of resources stop me from doing anything at all? Or, rather, how often have I let embarrassment of what little I have to offer to someone when they should be congratulated, or when they are hurting, stop me from sharing happiness and sorrow?

I don't know the answers to these questions, but I do know I want to be more alert to these commands from God. We all need to be noticing what is going on in the lives of those around us. The more we work on paying attention, we train our minds to be on the alert, and when our minds are alert they are urging us to reach out to others and/or to pray for others.

I thank God that I do have the many friends and loved ones that I do. I am so incredibly grateful that they rejoice with me and weep with me through life, and that those who have chose not to are not many. It is so meaningful when those that do are so proud of my kids' accomplishments, or when they take the time to ask and listen about the loved ones I am grieving.
Much of that happens through facebook, email, cards, etc...  sometimes it's person to person with words, laughter, hugs or tears...  whichever form it takes, it's wonderful, and of course, God planned it that way.

What are ways you rejoice or weep with others? Have you had any of the same experiences as I? Leave a comment and share how you reflect this verse, or how it has impacted your life.

A Beautiful Graduate

Our daughter graduates from TC Beauty College this week! Allyson is ready to be done and move on to the next phase of education (maybe at Cornerstone!) and using her cosmetology training in a job. We are so excited with her! We are proud of her accomplishments because she is extremely creative and talented, and she aced her final exams. PLUS, her facial and scalp massages are amazing! But, that's only a small part of why we are so blessed to call her our daughter.

Ally has spent the last couple of years taking her education at a slower pace so that she could work at the same time, because she knew her family would need her help. She sacrificed getting her own car, her time and many of her own desires. We did not ask her to do this, and frankly, we never wanted to be in the position of a job loss and needing the kids to pitch in out of necessity (rather than just for the sake of learning responsibility). Since our desire (like all parents!) is to help our kids get a great start in life, it's been hard to see her educational and financial beginnings become such a struggle. It wasn't easy on her end either. She may have chosen this route, but it didn't mean it was simple to help carry the burdens.

Nevertheless, she stuck to her convictions.

When it was embarrassing to answer questions about being done with school, because she knew people may have opinions about the length of time it was taking, she chose to give her embarrassment to God.
When it was frustrating to miss school because our cars weren't working and there was no way to get there (especially because it wasn't just a couple of times), she dealt with it. (A little venting may occur, but then a submission to God's control :))
When we would gather the family to pray about certain bills, she was quick to offer anything she had to help.
When her Uncle died, she saved her money to give to his family. How she managed that on top of everything else on a part time job, I don't know, but she is dedicated, and God has blessed that. She also was so afraid her cousins would not have a Christmas, she asked that anything we may be able to do for each other, go to them, even though she had needs, too.
When she got discouraged and knew she wasn't doing her best, we would talk and pray and she would always determine that, no matter how frequent and frustrating life's disturbances were, she was going to do her responsibilities well.
When she thought it may be better to just quit school altogether and work because of our income situation, she chose to stick it out and trust God for our needs.

Being at TC during the time Joel died brought about some witnessing opportunities that may explain one reason God has allowed this slower process. She had some people coming to her and saying that they were watching her and that they were affected by how her family was handling all the events that had been going on. They asked her about her faith in God. What a privilege  it is to have her life story speak to someone else.

So, this is an exciting day, because Allyson has accomplished much more than a college certificate, and we are so proud of her!














Ally, these verses are for you:
3 John 1:4, I have not greater joy than to hear that my children walk in the truth.
    (Checking Out for the Last Time)












Jer. 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.
We love you!                                (On the Way to New Beginnings)

Connecting

Why do we write on facebook walls or go to grave sites to talk to our loved ones that are dead? We know they are unable to receive our words, but we still have this urge to connect....to try...

I remember my mom crying out to God after my brother Philip died, wishing she could talk to Phil again. Our family had just moved to Florida from Illinois 4 weeks previously, and Phil, who was 16, went spear fishing with our cousin Jimmy. He got sick very quickly after that, and went in to a coma. It was determined that bacteria from the pond got in his system and he died from encephalitis. My parents did not have a chance to really say good bye to him.

My mom told me that when she was crying out to God all the things she wished she could tell Phillip, she heard or sensed God say she could tell him herself.
She said that moment was unlike any she has ever had before or since, but she felt an unexplained opening to talk to Philip. So, she did. She told him she loved  him and told him how he had been a wonderful gift from God to her and my dad. I am awed that God loves his children so much, and cares so much for a mother's heart, that He would provide that moment for her.  It makes me think of Luke 7:13 where Jesus’ heart was filled with compassion for the widow who lost her son and He said, ‘Don’t weep!’.  He then raised that boy up. Such love that He has for those that grieve! (How he must have grieved for His own mother who had to watch Him suffer.)

God knows the loss we are experiencing and that we need the closure of connecting with that loved one again. Learning to live life differently due to a loss takes time and the way we cope with that can look different from person to person, but it’s normal to want to talk to your loved one and I think that is ok.


Maybe God even gives our loved ones a glimpse of the things we want to share J




Joel, remember how the changing of the seasons brings about new waves of grief? Well, we are having an early spring this year, and as wonderful as that is, it's bringing thoughts and feelings I don't want. I've never had a spring without you here, and now that is something to get used to. We have to have an open house this spring for Alan who will have to do without another uncle there. It just stinks, and every other time we would feel like that, you were here to grieve with us. I know you fought hard to stay with us and I am proud of your tenacity and strength of the past year, but I don't like that you had to leave us. God is continually drawing us closer to Him, though, and I hope you have the ability to know that everyone is coping in healthy ways and relying on God. I wish you were here to help with dad...it's hard to have basically lost him at the same time as you, and very hard to see mom have to care for his needs so much, without the benefit of his gratefulness, personality or friendship anymore. I do hope, though, that he is reunited with you boys soon, so he is not tormented by this dementia for long. I wish I knew exactly what heaven is like for you, Steve, Mark, Phil, Jonathon, Jeremiah, and Aunt Vicki, Uncle Art, Aunt Dorothy, Uncle Wally....are you guys having heavenly volleyball games? Football games? Rook tournaments? Is there a lot of joking and laughing like our earthly reunions? Does Mark have a baby in his arms at all times? Do you talk about your amazing kids to each other and how strong your wives are? What was it like to meet your second son? Do you share with Mark's mom all about our kids that she never had a chance to know? Remember talking about Isaac, Mark's and my nephew on his side? I know for a fact that you would want to be playing basketball with him, since you both love the game. I wonder if the coach in you would surface. :)   I wonder if he's showing you how to skate. Isn't he an amazing kids?! I know Heaven is much different than just an upgraded earth, but I hope all the incredible experience of it is shared with these loved ones. Even more than that, I cannot begin to imagine being in God's presence and the joy you all felt when rescued from your earthly bodies. You would probably say my imaginings are so amateur and, my questions limitless. Does God explain why all of you were taken so early in life or do you just immediately understand His plans? Or, do you even know yet?Have you met Job and Stephen? And, do you even know that they are the first 2 men of the Bible I want to meet and can you tell them for me that their stories have made a difference in my life? I wonder about a lot of things when it comes to saints and heaven, but I mostly just miss you all. Somehow, this new season is going to be about beautiful things and moving forward and hope.....I just wish it didn't have to feel so lonely, too. I wish you could hear me say 'I love you', but I know you know. Your Sister, Rachie-pooh  (I found out that this well used nickname was what you used in your phone contacts for me - I really should find George from the 2nd grade and thank him for my lifelong nickname :) )

I Want to Live Like That...

I want to live like that....
Some days, the that I want to live like is a very selfish life. I can completely forget that I have a purpose outside of making a happy, beautiful life for me and my family. I want to have vacations, I want to live in a gorgeous house, I want to live with a focus on many more things than basic survival, and I want to live more comfortably. As if that wasn't enough, I also want to live without financial stress, I want to live without grief and loss, I want to live without health issues, and without disappointments. Oh, and let me throw in teenagers' 'know-it-all' logic - I can live without that, too, no matter how entertaining it can be at times. :)

I don't mean to sound so discontent, but, if I am to be truthful, there are days I really do want this life to be more about my happiness. I just want what I want sometimes. I'm just being honest.

Thankfully, though, God reminds me that I am not missing out on anything by not getting all of the things I want, because that isn't what I am here for anyway. I don't have to panic that I am not giving my kids all the things I wanted to give them, because God is going to take care of all of that when we are in Heaven some day. Right now, we are here for other things. 

I may not know exactly how He is using me, or using my family, but I know that He will if we give ourselves to be used by Him and that we will know someday how He worked all things together for good. Knowing that, as well as the promises we have of our eternal life, makes it easier to remember that this life is not all about my dreams and desires being fulfilled. That, in fact, those dreams and desires are not necessary for God to do His work in me or through me. Nor, do they bring me any closer to eternity with God. So, why do I strive for worldly goods and respect?
While the world may say that we should have everything we want, whenever we want it, God says He is enough. Whatever He provides along this journey is up to Him, and I will enjoy and be grateful for every ounce of fun and ease. But, if I don't get to travel the world, for instance, I will still make sure I live in a way that points to Him. 

I want to live like that and give it all I have,  so that everything I say and do points to You.  If love is who I am, then this is where I stand, recklessly abandoned,  never holding back.  I want to live like that  ….


Sidewalk Prophets, Live Like That 
Sometimes I think 
What will people say of me 
When I'm only just a memory 
When I'm home where my soul belongs 

Was I love 
When no one else would show up 
Was I Jesus to the least of those 
Was my worship more than just a song 

I want to live like that 
And give it all I have 
So that everything I say and do 
Points to You 

If love is who I am 
Then this is where I'll stand 
Recklessly abandoned 
Never holding back 

I want to live like that 
I want to live like that 

Am I proof 
That You are who you say You are 
That grace can really change a heart 
Do I live like Your love is true 

People pass 
And even if they don't know my name 
Is there evidence that I've been changed 
When they see me, do they see You 

I want to live like that 
And give it all I have 
So that everything I say and do 
Points to You 

If love is who I am 
Then this is where I'll stand 
Recklessly abandoned 
Never holding back 

I want to live like that 
I want to live like that 


I want to show the world the love You gave for me 
I'm longing for the world to know the glory of the King 

I want to live like that 
And give it all I have 
So that everything I say and do 
Points to You 

If love is who I am 
Then this is where I'll stand 
Recklessly abandoned 
Never holding back 

I want to live like that 
I want to live like that

Happy Days are Here Again

Today, at work, we were doing an exercise where we had to choose a song that fit ourselves as we contemplated this next semester. My song ended up being 'Happy Days are Here Again' (thanks for the help, Matthew!) and I am thinking how that was a perfect choice, even though I had been at a loss to think of something on the spot. For one thing, I LOVE my job and I am definitely looking forward to another great semester with interns, coworkers and students.

But, as I look at my life as a whole, I am looking forward to some happy days, too. I feel as I might have stepped out of the dark to see some glimmer of light ahead this week. It's that wonderful feeling you have when you are not just making it through, but are looking forward with hope.

I know the hard times are necessary and inevitable in our lives and I am glad to know the amazing way God holds His children during those times. Those moments can't be explained and I am overwhelmed with how He has loved me and covered me with peace when I needed it. My relationship with Him gets deeper with each loss or trial in our lives, and I am grateful for what I've learned and experienced. These are definitely joyful times in many ways, but, I can't say they are 'happy' times.

Evidently God has been doing some healing in my heart, because it is feeling lighter these days. He is calming my anxiety about the burdens we currently have, and some that are on the horizon. He is bringing me laughter. He has brought good things out of our current situations, too.

I will have to explain on another day the way God answered some of our prayers during these last months, because He took care of us in astounding ways. But, today, I am just basking in hope. Feeling happy. Coming back to life. I just may not be totally made up of anxiety, grief or weariness after all. We might still have some heavy situations, but God is restoring my soul. All I can think right now is, ‘thank you, thank you, thank you…’

Reflecting on 2011 - From Audrey Prairie

Written by my mom, a woman who leads others with strength and grace:


REFLECTING ON 2011

In one way the year 2011 passed quickly - one year ago today Joel had his
cancer surgery.  Where did the year go?
In other ways it went agonizingly slow - the painful cycle of praying,
hoping, waiting, trying to stay focused on the duties at hand, hope
dashed, hope renewed, more waiting, praying continuously.......and then
hollow grief.

It isn't as if I haven't experienced similar years.  Joel was our fifth
son to leave us and be with Jesus.  Each time more of my heart is torn
away and I am left a different person.  What is the purpose?  I don't
know.

I Thessalonians 5:8, "In everything give thanks for this is the will of
God in Christ concerning you."

Give thanks, Lord?  When it seems all is going wrong?  The hot water
heater burned out, the well pump quit working the same day, the pressure
tank sprung a leak and the basement is flooded.  They say we need a new
well and now our car chose this moment to give up......

"In everything give thanks, my child...."

But my son-in-law is out of work, my daughter is not well, my son is
stretched to the limit with his job and concern for his parents and
family......my daughter-in-law lost her beloved husband, four
grandchildren lost their daddy.  I grieve for them all.  Give thanks,
Lord?

"In everything give thanks....."

Give thanks, Lord when the doctors say my husband has dimentia?  When
another son has been taken and our family has once again been left with a
gaping hole?  Give thanks in all this?

"In everything........."

But, Lord, these things hurt; they worry and weary me.  I don't feel like
giving thanks.  It sounds silly to say, "Thank you, Lord, for letting my
child die and thank You, God, that dimentia has robbed my husband of
being able to share in my grief.  And, by the way, God, while we were
battling life and death issues, thank You for allowing all those other
things to go wrong and no means or money to fix them."

My dear, misunderstanding child, I did not say give thanks for
everything......I said, In everything give thanks.  In the midst of the
storm, when your lips cannot form the words, will your heavy heart to
thank Me.  By doing this you put Me in control of everything.  In return
I give you My peace and joy.

"In everything give thanks for this is the will of God in Christ
concerning you."

Thank You, Blessed Lord, that You are my Comforter in my time of sorrow.
Only You understand the depth of a mother's grief and You shed the first
tear.

Thank You, Dear Father, that You are our Provider.  You supply all our
needs according to Your riches in Christ Jesus.  The universe is Yours.
You have your faithful servants at the ready - waiting obediently to help
in our time of need.

And, thank You for being the Protector of me and my family.  We are Your
children and nothing can befall us except it first pass through Your
loving hands.

I thank You, Precious Lord, that You are my Refuge and Strength.  In my
weakness, You are strong.

And, last but not least, I thank You that You are my constant Companion.
Though the road be rugged and uncertain You are there and will never
leave me nor forsake me.

What lies ahead for 2012?  I don't know, but I do know that He is my
Deliverer for He promised, "Many are the afflictions of the righteoeus:
but the Lord delivers him out of them all." Ps.34:19.  And, I can give
thanks in the middle of any circumstance for this is the will of God in
Christ concerning me.

Audrey Prairie
1-18-12

Please God, Do What I Cannot Do...

Please God, do what I cannot do. I seem to not be able to do anything. I am unable to control so many things.

I cannot fix our cars. I cannot make those fixing them, fix them any faster. I cannot pay to get them all fixed. I cannot walk to work. I cannot buy a new car. I just CAN”T. Why don’t I have ANY control? I feel that I need to take care of these issues, because we have work and school in the morning. Certainly, You want us to keep up with our responsibilities.

I cannot make my sinus infection go away. I have tried to do all the at home remedies I know, which have helped a lot, but the infection is still growing. Certainly, You want me to be healthy enough to work well and take care of my family well, right?

I cannot fix my dad. His alzheimer’s is progressing and we are losing who he is. I don’t want to lose him yet. I am only 42 and just lost my 5^th brother. I want to make him better and keep as many of the men in my life around, as long as I can. Certainly you don’t want me to lose more love and support – more everything that family gives- than I already have, right? Certainly, you don't want my kids and husband to lose more, right?

I cannot fix my mom. She is exhausted from caring for my dad and we are too far away to be of help. When we did try to go to help, over the break, our only car broke down. I could not help hers or our disappointment. I can't get her more sleep from here, or stay with my dad so she can do errands from here. I cannot send her money so she can hire help or move them closer to me. I cannot even hug her, and it's hard to help with decision making from here. Certainly, you want us to honor our parents and support them, right?

I cannot make more money for me or my husband or my daughter….all I can do is work every time you allow, and look for every opportunity. I can pray for sales for my husband, and jobs for my boys, and control what money goes out (except the unexpected bills, of which there have been so many)….but, I cannot control what we bring in. You promised to meet our needs. You have always taken care of us, I know, but there is so much need right now. Certainly, you want our family provided for, right? Certainly, You don’t want our kids to be stressed and uncertain of so much, right?

I cannot fix the school issue for our kids or the transportation issue. It is what it is – their school is too far away for our issues, and another school doesn’t take school of choice, and another is not going to work out as well with our senior's credits….. Do we homeschool again? Do we keep limping along, not sure how or when they are getting home each day? Certainly, You care about each of the needs the kids have involving school, sports, friends, etc.

I cannot fix my husband or my kids. I cannot steel them against disappointments. I cannot fix what they feel or have to go through. I miss the days when the kids were small, and a hug and a prayer would fix them. There is anxiety over our needs. There is grief over the loss of Joel, and the changes in Grandpa.  There are teenage issues for the boys, decisions that weigh on Alan’s heart, and pressures that only a man can fully understand of providing for the needs of his family. I can’t make Mark’s exhaustion go away after many, many hours of work. I can help, but that’s all. I can’t schedule his hours for him at WalMart or his meetings with his insurance job. All I can do is make home easier, since he is answering to the call of others, without much monetary reward to eliminate the stress. Certainly, You don’t want them to be overburdened and You want to bless the work of our hands, right?

Please God, do what I cannot do. Do whatever it is You want to do. If the things I believe are necessary, are not in Your will, I will accept that. Maybe the things I think are a certainty, are not for some reason, and if not, I will trust You.  Please, God, hold my family tightly in Your arms. Give us wisdom to know what we can do.  Please stop this neverending(seemingly) cycle of trials and grief. Please comfort us if You don’t.

While I wait on You to do the things I cannot, I will do what I CAN do. I will be patient, I will trust, I will sing, I will love, I will search for Your wisdom, I will pray, I will be still, I will be grateful and I won't worry about the things that are in Your Hands.  

View from 602 - Unabridged Version

My first view of 602 was very different from the room at University Hospital. It was last week when we first stepped in to Allegiance Hospital, Room 602. It was late morning, and yet dark in the room. I put on a gown, mask and gloves and could hear the noises of the medical equipment just beyond the curtain that separated the germs from Joel. 

In January, at U of M Hospital, I visited Joel with much hope of a bright future for him. Not because it would be easy to live with half a tongue, or go through chemo treatments, but because he was young, otherwise healthy, and a fighter. He also had a passion to talk about Jesus, even though it took phenomenal effort. Plus, it was hard to believe that God would take another brother, son, husband and father, so, I chose to hope and trust in Joel’s healing. I chose to fight the dread that told me we were in for a journey we had done too many times before.

Well, God did use Joel and his passion for sharing Christ, it was just a lot less time than we hoped for. Joel spoke far earlier than the doctor’s expected, and even though he was hard to understand, he kept talking anyway. We laughed at him because he wouldn’t be quiet. He was witnessing to the hospital staff while we visited him. My view said that his work here wasn’t done, but, God had other plans. I knew for sure, when entering Room 602 , that Joel’s journey was ending and my beginning view changed.

Here are pieces of my view from 602 the last few days of Joel’s life:

Joel breathing with effort.

My sister-n-law administering drugs through Joel’s feeding tube, then suctioning his traech.

Joel’s daughters hovering about him, anxious to be his caretakers.

Joel’s chest heaving.

Joel telling me he loved me, even though talking was so hard and he couldn’t always be understood.

A brilliant blue colored balloon, lightly bouncing in the corner.

Joel pointing to Mark, trying to get something said.

Joel trying to write something down.

Trying to decipher Joel’s writing, which was actually scribbles from being so weak.

The respiratory therapist giving Joel a breathing treatment.

My big brother Tim walking in the corridor at 2am with his bags, just arriving on a flight from Tn.  My relief at seeing him. .

Gowns, gloves, masks everywhere. Taken on and off, on and off as visitors come in and out of the room.

The IV pump blinking and beeping.

Tim making me feel better the moment he came in with his comforting, caring words to Joel. He has a way of brightening even the hardest circumstances.

 Joel’s brightened eyes at seeing him.

Joel’s legs moving restlessly.

Joel asking for mom and dad.

Long time friends walking into the hospital with mom and dad, after driving down to Illinois to get them. (The same friends who did this for them when Mark died.)

Wishing we weren’t seeing views we never cared to see again.

Mom bending over Joel, wiping her tears under her glasses, rubbing his arm, straightening his sheet, kleenex in hand.

Dad standing at the end of the bed, patting Joel’s foot.

Joel reaching his head over, with more effort than he had moved anything recently, so mom could see he wanted to kiss her. Pain didn’t deter him.

Joel putting his hands together to indicate he wanted dad to pray when he saw him.

Dad always being our spiritual leader. Dad praying with clarity and confidence, unlike the way he interacted with other things due to his lack of hearing and lack of stamina.

Holding Joel’s hand and feeling him squeeze mine.

Tim, Mom and I each asking Joel to tell Mark, Steve, Philip and Jonathan that we loved them and missed them, when he got to heaven, without realizing each other did so until later.

Joel reaching for Wendy and grasping her forearm. Needing her.

The way Joel’s head would go back a little and his eyebrows would rise when we finally understood what he was trying to tell us.

Joel returning his daughter’s  ‘I love you’ hand sign from across the room.

Joel’s mouth opening as wide as he could get it and his chest heaving so he could get as much breath as possible.

Joel motioning. His daughter finding the ‘nurse call’ button for him. He wanted it close, just in case.

Joel’s furrowed brow, rarely easing.

His daughter putting a cool cloth on his head.

Joel with a shower cap on that actually shampooed his hair.

Joel saluting the policeman friend of his when he entered the room, and then putting his wrists together as if being handcuffed.

Jan rubbing Joel’s beard and speaking to him in her big sister voice when she first got there to see him.

Joel pointing at me when he was hoping I would be the one to understand what he was saying. Me knowing what he tried to say, maybe because a sister gets a brother ,  - -  “Where’s Wendy?”  “She’s the only one who can help me”  - -  Joel feeling anxiety that he would need something and no one else would be able to understand. Us understanding that panic,  since choking,  low oxygen and a partial tongue was what he was up against. Us feeling pain from the look of distress on his face.

Joel needing propped up in bed so he could breathe better. Joel soon slouching uncomfortably, with no strength to change positions.

Wendy knowing and sensing Joel’s needs before his indication most of the time. Me being amazed by her.

Wendy rubbing Joel’s feet, legs, hands, rarely leaving his side.

Dad reciting the 23^rd Psalm while standing by Joel, then  all of us joining him.

Keeping track of Joel’s medicine schedule as he kept needing more and more pain meds and breathing treatments. Wendy advocating for Joel’s needs.

My kids each coming and telling their Uncle Joel they loved him and kissing him.

Josh, Allyson, Alan, Nate and Zach trying to comfort their cousins.

Jan’s and Debbie’s tears.

Josh putting his arm around me.  Me not knowing how much I needed it until he was there.

Josh standing alone, looking at Joel, undoubtedly remembering when it was his dad that was dying.

Joel’s pastor reading Psalm 91.

Taking turns washing up in the hospital bathroom.

Sitting in the quiet hallway, talking at midnight with a friend of Joel’s. 

Looking around Joel’s room in the middle of Friday night and seeing Jan dozing in the chair, Wendy’s head resting on Joel’s bed, Tim sitting at the end of the bed, myself sitting with my head against the wall….all watching over Joel, ready to help with whatever he needed.

Me saying, “This hospital stinks”. Jan saying, “It’s probably us”. Oh yeah.

Mark reading his Bible for Joel.

My husband telling my brother he loved him, grasping his hand, saying his goodbye before he went to work in case he didn’t make it back in time.

Allyson and dad holding hands while they took a walk around the hospital.

The way Joel folded his hands in front of him that looked just like dad – and Joel’s girls or Tim (can’t remember which) had to take a picture of it.

The way Joel’s hands and mannerisms were so much like Mark’s and Steve’s.

The memories of past experiences, so similar to this one, that none of us could keep from returning.

Me kneeling at Joel’s side, using the chair and holding Joel’s hand while praying. Me praying up close, for him alone to hear. Me telling him I will always be at his wife’s and kids’ sides. Did he know how much I appreciated his big brother protection when I was younger?

Joel’s very gorgeous eyes (so all the girls say) looking so intently at me, (maybe questioning me?), when I couldn’t stop the tears from running down my cheeks.

Wendy speaking close to Joel’s ear, ‘ He will keep you in perfect peace, Joel, whose mind is stayed on Him.’

Wendy’s dad rubbing her back, comforting his daughter.

The crazy man who was threatening the nurse loudly in the hall, 2 nights in a row, and telling his imaginary friend to shoot open the door to his hospital room so they can get out.

A nurse running down the hall yelling for security.

Talking and laughing in the hall. Then thinking Tim set off an alarm with all the buttons behind him, but thankfully, it wasn’t us - it was the crazy man trying to escape from the emergency exit.

Our kids making a late night run up to the hospital, bringing us pop. (And, a cooler and a bag of ice that started dripping down the hallway, which we quickly cleaned up! The kids going above and beyond what we asked)

Joel’s fever rising. Jan, Wendy and me trying to keep Joel cool. Jan’s familiarity and experience obvious in the way she worked and talked.

Nurses showing up with hospitality carts for our family. Thankful for refreshment. Me not eating anything sweet because I could feel how low my blood sugar level was. Hardly eating anything due to nerves and being over-tired. Wendy not being able to try anything.

Wendy whispering to me, ‘it wasn’t supposed to be like this’ .

 Joel’s son spending alone time with his dad.

Tim’s strained voice that so obviously showed his love for his brother who was hurting.  Joel turning to Tim, looking with worry, questioning. Tim saying, “It’s ok, buddy. I’ll be fine”

Nurses asking family and friends in the hall to use the waiting room a couple of times, because they couldn’t stay away and kept congregating outside Joel’s door.  Oops!

Family talking, remembering, hugging in the waiting room, with computers, phones, blankets, Kleenex and food about.

Bruce, our newly adopted brother-n-law/son-n-law, bringing everyone pizza. Then, Fazoli’s. Helping reserve hotel accommodations. Sitting with us.

Deb making sure there was soft Kleenex, because our skin needed the relief!

Jan and mom on the  phone, keeping updated on the traveler’s on their way, and updating other out of town family.

Josh and Allyson being the way they always are together – keeping us laughing.

Hilary bringing my kids to Jackson 2x.

Deb sharing her devotional that day with Wendy.  Loving Wendy with true empathy. Me wondering if she was thinking of all her time by Mark’s side not that long ago.

Holding my phone up to Joel’s ear as it was playing ‘Mountain of God’, the song he and Wendy danced to on the radio when he was excited about having a strong day.

The nurses telling our family how they loved our closeness, and how our family was unique and blessed.

Us appreciating the nurses (Except the one who was rough and caused unnecessary pain to Joel.)

Conferring in the hall. Trying to support Wendy the best we could.

Helping Wendy decide that there should be no more treatment, because of the doctor’s advice.

The new purple bracelet added to Joel’s arm with just the letters, DNR.

Joel’s daughter asking what ‘DNR’ meant.

Joel’s wife and kids (Wendy, Jonathan, Courtney, Carrissa, Cosondra) spending precious moments with Joel – just their family together for the last time.

Wendy saying, “…he was fighting to live. He fought so hard”  Her heart wrenching pain from feeling like she was giving up. Afraid to not fight with every medicine possible til the very end.

A morphine drip being used to finally bring Joel some rest. The relief at his peace. His girls suddenly realizing that he would never look at them again. Never talk to them again.  Pain.

After lying down in the early morning hours Sunday morning, each of us still sitting up to listen for Joel’s breathing off and on. Wendy being the one who woke at just the right time. Wendy being the one who heard his last breath.

Wendy feeling Joel’s chest. Jan feeling Joel, and getting the nurse. Me shaking slightly, holding my blanket tight. Nervous. Fearful. Knowing.

The nurse checking Joel all over for signs of life.

Me, Tim, Jan and Wendy surrounding Joel’s bed as we realized he was not taking another breath.

The nurse hugging Wendy.

Wendy leaving to go to the house to tell her kids that their dad was gone.

Me not wanting to call mom. Mom expecting the news. Her tight voice and amazing strength.

Walking with dad toward Joel’s room one more time. Dad bent over, walking with no balance. His back and legs acting up again. Holding on to dad. Dad patting my arm, saying he thought he was doing ok, but that was no reason to let go.

Dad tearful and prayerful when he said good bye to Joel. Dad sitting quietly next to Joel. Talking to God, I think. Staying there while others came in, as if keeping watch. Allyson sitting down by him, holding his hand. Me loving that she knows how he loves that and was offering her comfort.

Watching mom look at Joel and touch his body. Me wondering how a mother can take looking at a son she nurtured and raised, dead. Remembering she has had to several times. Hurting for her. Me in awe of her beautiful attitude.

Mom telling Joel that she was so glad for him that he was with his brothers. Mom reminding us of the reunion we will all have one day.

After saying goodbye, mom walking out the door, hand lifted, saying ‘Til we meet again, Joel’.

Courtney laying on Joel’s chest, sobbing.

Carrissa sitting down, looking at Joel, tears streaming down her cheeks, crying hard.

Cosondra letting her tears out, touching Joel’s head, saying ‘Goodbye, daddy’. That sight making me hurt.

Allyson fighting back tears every time her cousins were overcome with grief. Many hugs between them all.

My boys putting their arms around their cousins.

Allyson remembering aloud how Uncle Joel had brought us loads of groceries last time he was over and threatened to hurt the boy who was taking her out, if she needed him to.

Jan walking Wendy through these moments like only one can who has been through it before.

Me having a private moment with Joel, feeling lonely for my brother’s presence already. Sobbing just a little bit, keeping some control, scared to lose control.  Realizing we were facing another Thanksgiving with one more loved one missing.

Holding his cool fingers and being grateful he was finally resting with Jesus.

Holding his cool fingers and wishing he would squeeze mine back.

Kissing his cheek. Not because he felt it this time, but because I wanted to.

Turning to look at him 3x on my way to the door, because I didn’t feel ready to never see him again.

Leaving Room 602 with a peace and strength that only came from God. Leaving with the knowledge that Joel is ok and didn’t need me anymore. I might need my big brother, who stuck up for me, cared about me and loved me, but,  even though Joel hadn’t wanted to leave, he would remind me that I still have Tim. Joel would also say that I should trust God to take care of any void he’s leaving behind , because He can do it. He has done it. He still is doing it.